Finally... Laying it all on the table.

   

     

          Yesterday I had the chance to share my story with my church family. It was a freeing and liberating experience to share my story with people that I have for the most part known most of my life. So today as part of the beautiful life challenge it asked me to post something about insights and life lessons. I felt sharing what I wrote up to share yesterday would be a great way to share my life lessons and insights, so here it is. The journey that has taught me and continues to teach me so much.

         I have been a part of the St. Andrew’s community since before I was even born. My family has been worshiping here for many generations and finds comfort and familiarity with in these 4 walls. I can’t remember my life without St. Andrew’s or the family that I have here.  Through my short 22 years of life I have been on a roller coaster with God and St. Andrews, I have flown high and at times crashed right into the ground, but no matter where I have been on that roller coaster of life God has been rising and falling with me, along with the community here at St. Andrew’s.

            God has a way of placing people and events into your life at the moments you need them most. Often at the time of the event I don’t feel that way, but looking back and seeing how it unfolds it all makes sense now. There have been many times in my life when God has placed people into my life that have impacted me greatly and have been there through the highs and lows of life with me. I was blessed with this church community 22 years ago and today I am going to share with you my journey. This journey has built my faith and at times takes my faith away but as I look back I see the journey I have taken as an amazing step in my journey with God.

In early 2011 I began a spiral into a deep and at the time uncontrollable depression that took over my life. It changed who I was, what I did and where I was headed in an instant. I had always been a busy person with lots to do, a full social calendar, and average academic abilities. Nothing would have led anyone to believe I was experiencing depression and anxiety disorder based on my every day appearance. For weeks I tried to hide it from people and finally I couldn't hide it anymore. I began to text friends and share with the people closest to me that I wasn't feeling myself, I was feeling sad and out of place. So I went to a therapist who I didn't hit it off with and wouldn't share much with. I felt weird and out of place. I wasn't the type of person to share how I was feeling with someone I didn't know. And I felt as if everyone was judging me because I needed to talk to someone about my struggles. It was getting rapidly worse and I was missing 2 or 3 school days a week because I didn't want to get out of bed or leave my room. All I did was sleep, cry, or share with those close to me how horrible I felt about life and start the cycle all over again. I began texting friends and sharing with them that I didn't find my life to be worth anything anymore and was feeling hopeless. I didn't want to continue living the way I was. My friends being the amazing people they are decided it was time to tell people that I was feeling this way. They began telling their parents, our teachers, and other people around me in hopes to get me the help I truly needed. And that they did. As they began to tell people more began to take place and people began encouraging me to take steps to get the help I needed. Finally after weeks of struggling to find any meaning in my life I decided it was time to do something, which was slightly forced by a situation at school. I decided to remove myself from school for a while so that I could focus on getting myself healthy and went to an outpatient treatment center for two weeks.  This center allowed me to see therapists and psychologist daily that could help me to begin to piece my life back together and find a treatment plan that would work for me. While there I met a group of people my age that were going through similar things. Many of us struggled with depression, difficulties at home, and low self-esteem. We all faced these issues for different reasons but it was the common thread between all of us. While there I began to make friends and talk with other people about what they were doing. I found many good strategies that helped me to cope in better ways then I had been. I journaled and shared more about why and what I was feeling. And I was put on medications to help lower my depression and anxiety difficulties. I thought I was really doing well.

        After my two weeks at the center I returned to school and it was horrible. I felt out of place and unable to handle the stress that came with focusing on my well being and the work that was waiting for me when I returned. I wasn't ready for the stresses of social interactions and the fact that I couldn't just break down at any moment I wanted. I felt I didn't fit into society at this point. I didn't find my school setting to be supportive of the struggles I was facing and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Many days I would come home from school and cry. Some days it would be so bad I would cry in the bathroom at my school to try and ease the pain that I was facing. I truly believed again there was no hope in my life of ever getting out of this pit of depression.

         A few weeks after returning to school I began going to a new outpatient therapist. She helped me work through the many difficulties that I faced and with in the next month things began to get better and I began to see light. By no means was  I good but the depression was becoming bearable. Over time it began getting easier but it didn't come without days and  nights of shaking and anxiety. My mom would stay up until I fell asleep each night to make sure I didn't give in to the feelings I was having. She would hold me and some nights she would stay the whole night just to make sure I had the support when I needed it. Her and I together were determined I wasn't going to give in and I didn't.

       Over the many months that followed there were ups and downs. I was part of a support group of young girls struggling with the same thing, we met every Wednesday night and there was a strength in all of us that helped each of us to go on. Some weeks it was difficult but I always knew on Wednesday night I would be surrounded by people who understood and were willing to help me to keep going. Over these weeks and months I would be fine for awhile and then crumble down again to a place of darkness. Sometimes it seemed as if giving up was my best option but I didn't and that is greatly to do with the coping skills I was taught and the support system I had that continued to remind me I had more the a small reason to keep living.

 By the time I graduated high school a year after everything first crumbled to the ground I couldn't believe how far I had come. It was a huge change for me. I had a will and a fight in me and I had decided I wasn't giving up because that’s never who I was.

        That summer after graduating I went to Prague, Czech Republic with my flute teacher and some other students from her studio. Music had been one of my main escapes through the worst of my depression and I had spent many hours practicing. Playing was my safe space and had always been my safe space to feel and express whatever was going on in my life. Going to Prague was no different; I just found my safe place thousands of miles away to take the next step in overcoming depression.

 Before leaving I made a choice, one that probably wasn't my smartest choice in this journey, but I made it. I decided I was going to experience life in a new way and was going to put the past behind me. I stopped taking my medicine a week before I left to travel miles away from my support system and therapist. This could have ended horribly and set me back in more ways then I want to imagine but it didn't. I had one of the greatest trips of my life and experienced life for the first time in over a year without the fog of medicine. When I returned and told my psychologist and therapist I thought they might kill me but they promised me that if I continued on the path I was on at the time for the rest of the summer they would allow me to go off the meds for good. So a month later I started the next chapter... medicine free.

         That August I began a new chapter at Lebanon Valley College. While there I have found myself in more ways then I ever could have imagined when I started. I have had the chance to meet new people, lead, teach children, and experience life in a new ways. I could finally enjoy life. When I left for college I stopped seeing a therapist. I was fine for awhile and even through the ups and downs of my first year of college I made it through with minimal help from professionals. I used my family and my friends to help me through any rough patches and found new friends at LVC that seemed to understand some of the struggles and difficulties that I was facing. I began confiding in these people and telling my story. It was the first time I was telling it. It was the first time I was open about it to people that hadn't experienced it with me. I was on a high of happiness when I left college in May and felt like nothing could take me down but when I returned that August I wasn't myself and I was struggling again but I refused to realize where it was heading until one of my best friends pointed out to me where it was headed and strongly suggested I begin to see someone again. After a few days of deliberation with myself I decided she was right and it was time for me to start seeking help to further heal and find myself in this journey. Over the last 2 years I have done that and I have found peace within myself and peace within some of the things that have happened to me with a new therapist. I can look past them now and see life with a new lens. The journey is never over and I am still on a journey that has many ups and downs. Each day is a struggle but now I find it to be a beautiful challenge that makes me who I am.

           Before all of this I had always thought that strong faiths were built by the amount of time spent in a pew on Sunday morning and that my faith would just come, there would be no work involved. I have found not only was that wrong but there is a large amount of work in building a relationship with God, but it is work that is worth every moment of self reflection, meditation, and conversation with God.

 So here I am sharing my story and finding the courage to tell people its okay to have depression and anxiety, its not weird or odd or weak. It is a part of you that you learn to live with and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Society hides it like its some big horrible secret to struggle in life. I hate to be the person to break the bad news but more people struggle with depression and anxiety then you would ever know. For me sharing my story with people has allowed me the opportunity to make connections with people that I never would have made connections with before. Depression doesn't define you it enhances you and your God given talents and abilities. I have embraced it and challenged it. Some days I say to it "Bring it on Depression and Anxiety because I know who is going to win today" and I can tell you now I have won every time I have challenged it. Challenge yourself today whether it be something similar to my story or something else you are trying to overcome. Be the author of your story! 

After sharing this yesterday I felt a sense of liberation and was overwhelmed by the warm responses that I received. But with this not all positives came. I am emotionally and physically exhausted even 24 hours later. Yesterday afternoon I went home and fell asleep because I could know longer keep my eyes open because I was drained. I couldn't think or process anything. My body put itself into this self protective fog so I could process what I had just done, and to be honest I still haven't processed the whole thing. It was so liberating to share even in the little bit of processing that I have done but I look forward to the final product when my mind and body has taken the time to fully process. Until that I will take my time, each day at a time, and allow my mind, body, and soul to process in a manner that is going to be the healthiest for me. But I know that once I have processed this amazing things are to come and each moment of fighting is worth it. 

Day 8 to come tomorrow!