Taking Back the Power

   
       
       Today I opened one of the drawers in my room while searching for blank notebook paper as I study for my teacher certification test. I didn't find any blank notebook paper but I did find a whole lot of filled notebook paper. I found the white and brown journal beneath all of the clutter that has collected over the past 5 years on top of it. As I uncovered it I had a momentary pause, do I want to read this or do I want to save the for another time. I first started by fanning through the pages. It was as if the emotions and secrets that fill these pages came streaming out even at the smallest glimpse of them. This white and brown spiral bound journal is filled with words, pictures, designs, pain, heartache, and strength. These 200 pages hold the 14 darkest days of my life in them.
      The days when I honestly thought there would be no tomorrow and all I could express was emptiness, pain, and dread. I sprawled  out everything I could feel at that cold and empty place. As I fanned through the pages I came to one of the pages near the end of this journal. As I read through it I realized each emotion and feeling I felt was okay. Each moment of pain had its own reason in my life and has created a person 5 years ago I didn't even know. A person that was hidden under each moment of life and the tragedy it can bring. I was scared of who I was, who I knew I could be. I was scared to stand out, to be different, and to feel each emotionally so deeply. In our world feeling emotions deeply is often overlooked. I was scared to stand alone and scream for joy and love of who I am. I was scared to give myself any power in my own life.
      Looking back at the words I wrote nearly 5 years ago I realize in each word or picture there is strength and steam building for the fight ahead. My words can seem hopeless when reading it straight forward but if you take a peak between the lines you can see the fight against all of the depression and anxiety already happening. Each time I revealed a new event that occurred or new moment that lead me to those dark moments I can feel the weight that was lifted off and the hope that was to come. As I turn through the pages I can see the change happening and strength building. I can hear in my words the power I was taking back. The power I had willingly handed off to so many people in my life that never deserved the power I gave them over each aspect of my life.
     Learning to take back power of my own life has been one of the most difficult parts of my journey. For so many years I had let others control my thoughts, emotions, and decisions that when I was left to do any of it on my own I felt scared, out of place, and so overwhelmed with anxiety I emotionally had a difficult time handling it. It was new and uncomfortable. I first gave my power up when I was very young to other kids around me. I let their perceptions and views of who I was form what I did. I broke away from the things I knew and loved to do the things they all thought I should be doing. I continued in this pattern for many years. Following the path of what others around me thought I should do, because after all what they said had to be right for me. I involved myself with people who verbally tore me down and made me feel as worthless as ever. At times I was so cold to it I no longer cried. It was expected and I believed it. I believed it enough that I didn't even share it with my family and closest friends. Even now I have a difficult time sharing such emotionally draining moments with even the closest people to me. I have only shared with a handful of people and I'd like to say each time is easier, but it isn't.
       In the beginning, after my initial break down I didn't share anything outside of therapy sessions about it. Slowly I started sharing with my parents but even that was kept simple, only sharing a basic outline. I really started sharing when I got to college. I began seeing a new therapist at this point in my life who continues to help me evaluate each moment and move forward by taking back power. Allowing myself to be liberated from everything that I use to drag behind me. She has taught me how to surround myself with people who inspire me to move forward and be proud of my own power.
      As I began talking I also found one of my good friends at LVC  who has a way of pulling things out of me and making me feel comfortable enough to share these deeply personal experiences. She allows me to feel safe and feel each emotion that comes with it in what ever way that needs to happen. Sometimes terrible nightmares or a smell in the cafeteria can set me off. I never know when a trigger is around the corner, but knowing I have people and a friend who understands and doesn't make me feel any less of a person for these moments helps me to keep moving forward. This has not been an easy process. At times it has been so difficult neither one of us knew if our friendship would last. But as I have continued to work through my journey and emotions, we have worked at keeping our friendship together. She has helped me to take back my power. She allows me to think for myself, make my own decisions and do what I need to do for me. She pushes me to do the things I am uncomfortable doing so I can become the person she can see hidden underneath the protective skin I've put on. She is one of the first people who I realized saw me for who I was. She could see past all the bullshit and masks I'd put on. She knew there was more to me then the silly laugh or perfectionist and workaholic mentality I have. She could see the broken pieces and in having someone surround me that saw all of that and still loved me and wanted to be a part of my life allowed me to trust myself again. In learning to trust myself I have taken the power I had handed off to other people back. I can say no to things I didn't want to do and I can  choose who I wanted to spend my time with.
    Taking back my power has been a long process and there is still power I need to take back, some of it is still on loan, but not for long. I have days where I can feel myself handing back power to those who always told me I wasn't good enough but those days are less and overtime I look forward to even less days feeling that urge. It is a process, not an easy one, or something that changes over night, but rather a chance to build up into the person you are. It is the opportunity to trust and believe in yourself again. A chance to love who you are and not give a crap about what anyone else thinks. I am grateful for the power I have gained back and continue to fight for all of my power each day.
    Finding the journal from my 14 darkest days was a great reminder of how far I have come. It has reminded me that I have the power to do anything I set my mind to and I have more strength then I give myself credit for. Each day is a new chance to love, trust, and empower myself.