Tis Part of the Battle
I have been absent from writing for the last few days, tis part of the battle with depression and anxiety. The last week or so has been difficult for me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have been faced with many anxiety attacks and new symptoms of my never ending journey. Some of these things have been induced by outside stresses and concerns while others have been there for awhile and now at this point in the process can be addressed. Its finding balance in moving forward and pushing myself to work through the hard stuff but at the same time taking time for myself and being healthy. So as part of my being healthy part of the balance I stepped away from the blog for a few days to regroup and process. I have posted for the last few days below. Enjoy.
Who ever thought that Christmas music would put me of all people at ease. For many years I have struggled to enjoy the holidays and found all things holiday to be a struggle.While I will admit first hand I still struggle with the holidays I will tell you I can tell this year is different already. One of those different things being Christmas music calming me down. I was filled with anxiety, fear, and concern about all sorts of things on Saturday. I made an unplanned and unexpected trip home on Saturday and while driving through at times tears I found the Christmas station on the radio. I left it on because I tried just about everything else music wise before that and nothing was really working. As I put it on I made a promise to myself that I would at least let it play 2 songs before I change it to another station. As I let it play I started to relax and feel myself accept what was going on in my head and around me. I let it go and sang my heart out to Christmas music. For most of you that know me well I don't sing unless its at church so singing my heart out in the car can be a big step sometimes. But for whatever reason on Saturday singing my heart out to Christmas music brought me a sense of peace and serenity, even if only for that 90 minutes I was in a car between LVC and home. It's amazing what a little music can do for my mood.
Sunday Dec. 6- Festive
Sunday was Christmas at the Valley, a Lebanon Valley College tradition. Since my sophomore year when I first attended Christmas at the Valley I have looked forward to this campus event. For those who may be asking what it is, it is a candle light concert and series of lessons from the Christmas story along with beautiful music and by our choirs, bell choir, and many of the music students here on campus. It is always beautiful when our entire chapel is filled with candle light and the voices of our choirs. There is something magical about it that makes me stop and be so fully present in that moment. This year in particular I found this moment to be a wonderful time of reflection. Knowing this is that last time I would attend as an undergrad I took a moment to look at the flame of my candle and play through my 4 amazing years here. There have been so many changes for me since the first moment I stepped into the chapel as a student. Little did I know 9 and half years ago when I stepped on LVC's campus for my cousins graduation that I would later be a student here. I have found so much peace in myself here and I have truly found who I am here with the help of the amazing professors I have had and amazing friends and peers I have been surrounded by. The experiences that I have had here are beyond words or what I ever could have imagined them to be. I was overcome with emotion as I looked into that candle knowing I have one more semester here. It took everything in me to keep the tears in, but these tears, they are filled with joy, excitement, love, and life.
Monday Dec. 7- Something Red
On day one of the December words I had a cup of comfort as my words. I spoke of how important this cup of warm amazing hot liquid (tea or coffee) is in my life. My something red is a red WaWa cup. Why is this so important, well I don't have Wawa for about 40 minutes from my college so Wawa on a day I'm not traveling home is a rather special event. 2 of my roommates and I took a spontaneous trip to pick up something one of them is giving for a Christmas gift. We happened to be right near a Wawa which of course required a stop for all of the goodness. I love Wawa and getting a coffee from one of my favorite coffee places was definitely a bonus to my day. I had already had a great day at school with my kids who reminded me first thing in the morning when they walked in why I teach. The day couldn't have been more complete then adding a Wawa coffee to it. The comfort it bought me after a tiring day filled by excitement and learning with my kiddos was amazing to say the least. Once again a cup of warm comfort to fill me up with happiness and joy.
Tuesday Dec. 8- Sparkle
I have always loved the quote "Never let anyone dull your sparkle" this week this quote has been especially important to me among all of the anxiety and emotions I have been feeling. I have found my sparkle this week in the 23 little faces the look at me each morning and love me for who I am. These little faces have been looking at me each morning for the last 38 week days and the thought that in just 8 short school days away I will be leaving them kills me inside but the love and light they bring me each day is unimaginable. Each day these kids come with excitement, wonder, and love to learn and grow. They get excited at the simple things like the stickers I found with puppies on them or kittens because that's their favorite animals, or the excitement over the smiley face I drew on their paper that was so hard for them to complete. The remind me that the simple things make you shine and help you to sparkle the brightest possible sparkle. Thanks for reminding me how to sparkle my friends!!
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