Beautiful Mess

Saturday, December 26- Mess
     Today I have been filled with Mess in just about every sense of the word. I find myself in an emotionally and mentally messy place as I work through new emotions, situations, and experiences. This year for has been filled with changes in how I approach situations and experiences in my life not to mention the many new ventures I took part in this year. The mess is in part the realization of how far I have come in these past 5 years.
      Last Sunday during church I was overcome with emotion, during one of the hymns and I started to uncontrollably sob. I ran out to a more private place where I could just let all of the emotions out. As I sat in the foyer downstairs I started crying harder. My Mom and a good friend from my church came down after giving me a few moments alone to make sure I was okay and had any support I may need. As I was talking to them I explained that my emotions weren't negative, sad, and dark but rather emotions of joy, overwhelming happiness, and a moment of "well shit, I did come this far". I remember saying to my friend, how do things like not wanting to live to see another day 5 years ago translate into I finished student teaching with flying colors and I love my life.
      While I do know how that happened it is overwhelming and in all honesty hard to give myself any credit because guess what folks, that means I have to actually love myself and give myself a pat on the back, something I'm not very good at doing. Now comes the part where I have to accept that I have worked this hard and I have fought each day for the last 5 years to be where I am. Obviously I didn't do this alone but something I have learned this past year is the people that have supported me have been involved for a reason, they care about me and they want to see me happy too, I no longer need to feel guilty and as if I owe everything in my life to them. While their support and love through everything can't be replaced and never will be I was the one that had to decide to do the inside work. They couldn't do the inside work, go to therapy sessions, talk with others, change thoughts and words in my head, work through the many painful and traumatic situations, or feel each emotions I was feeling. They of course aided  in this process but I stood on my own two feet and made each decision that lead me here. I for the first time can say I did it, I continue to do it, and I will always do it.
       Fighting for who you are and working through each deeply felt emotion every day is a never ending full time job but in all honesty it can be one of the most rewarding full time jobs there is, and one of the most necessary ones. I find myself more reflective than ever, more aware than ever, and more alive than ever.
      So, as I sit here messy and out of sorts I remember this out of sorts is nothing compared to before. The sun is peeking through the clouds and will shine fully again soon. I remind myself that each time I fall, I get a little bit better at picking myself up. I would be lying if I said every day was filled with roses and I have figured it all out so I never fall down again. I fall often but I know that half the battle is how I pick myself up and using all I have learned over the years. I leave you tonight, in my beautiful mess of life.