Breathing Hope!

                   Today I opened one of the drawers in my room while searching for blank notebook paper as I study for my teacher certification test. I didn't find any blank notebook paper but I did find a whole lot of filled notebook paper. I found the white and brown journal beneath all of the clutter that has collected over the past 5 years on top of it. As I uncovered it I had a momentary pause, do I want to read this or do I want to save the for another time. I first started by fanning through the pages. It was as if the emotions and secrets that fill these pages came streaming out even at the smallest glimpse of them. This white and brown spiral bound journal is filled with words, pictures, designs, pain, heartache, and strength. These 200 pages hold the 14 darkest days of my life in them.       The days when I honestly thought there would be no tomorrow and all I could express was emptiness, pain, and dread. ...

Saturday, December 26- Mess      Today I have been filled with Mess in just about every sense of the word. I find myself in an emotionally and mentally messy place as I work through new emotions, situations, and experiences. This year for has been filled with changes in how I approach situations and experiences in my life not to mention the many new ventures I took part in this year. The mess is in part the realization of how far I have come in these past 5 years.       Last Sunday during church I was overcome with emotion, during one of the hymns and I started to uncontrollably sob. I ran out to a more private place where I could just let all of the emotions out. As I sat in the foyer downstairs I started crying harder. My Mom and a good friend from my church came down after giving me a few moments alone to make sure I was okay and had any support I may need. As I was talking to them I explained that my emotions weren't negative, sad, and dark but r...

Monday, December 21- Door        Today was the first day since August 31st (besides holidays) that I haven't walk through the doors of Hershey Elementary. It was odd for me knowing the kids I have worked with for the fall were at school and I wasn't. Each time I looked up at the clock I though ... Oh they're at Lunch right now or Oh they're working on reading right now.  It made me miss their smiling faces and all the stories they would share each Monday morning after their weekend activities. I missed the smiles and good mornings that I was greeted with at the door to our classroom while I sipped my coffee. The doors of Hershey Elementary became doors of opportunity for me to learn and grow as a teacher and to learn with my students every day. I will always remember the 23 kiddos that taught me so much about life, teaching, and the person they think I am that I hope I become. Tuesday, December 22- Make a list  My list of Thanksgiving this Ch...

Monday, December 14- Scarf        Last winter I wore scarves like it was my job. Everything I wore I made sure I had a scarf for and basically lived in them for most of winter last year. This year however I have yet to put one on. I don't really have a full answer to why but I do know that recently I have been struggling to have things around my neck. Certain shirts, scarves, and the way things hit my neck bothers me and freaks me out. It seems like an odd situation to most people but I really have just struggled with it. Some of these 'odd' symptoms come from anxiety and my overactive worrying mind. I hope soon I will be back to wearing scarves because honestly I love them and how they look. Tuesday, December 15- Book       I am looking forward to reading a book over my break titled "Furiously Happy" by Jenny Lawson. It looks to be a great book and I have heard from others around me it is a good read. The book focuses on being happy even th...

Wednesday, December 9- Comfy            Curled up under the blankets warm and cozy with a cup of tea is one of my comfy moments. I love being comfy especially on cold and rough days. I am always cold so blankets and warm clothing are always near me. I love days when I can curl up in a blanket with a book, journal, and cup of tea and just relax, and take a moment to enjoy the warmth and comfort. When I am depressed being comfy is just about the only thing I want to do. I want to stay in sweats, curl up in a blanket, and forget the outside world exists. I use to find this to be a huge negative and at times it made recovering from the worst difficult but now I have learned to use being comfy as a coping strategy. Being comfy now means setting an amount of time to be comfy, maybe an hour or one day a week I allow myself that silent, individual space to be comfy and do what I need to do but once that set time is up I need to force myself beyond the physica...

                 I have been absent from writing for the last few days, tis part of the battle with depression and anxiety. The last week or so has been difficult for me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I have been faced with many anxiety attacks and new symptoms of my never ending journey. Some of these things have been induced by outside stresses and concerns while others have been there for awhile and now at this point in the process can be addressed. Its finding balance in moving forward and pushing myself to work through the hard stuff but at the same time taking time for myself and being healthy. So as part of my being healthy part of the balance I stepped away from the blog for a few days to regroup and process. I have posted for the last few days below. Enjoy.  Saturday Dec. 5- Jingle         Who ever thought that Christmas music would put me of all people at ease. For many years I have struggl...