Kid, You'll Move Mountains!

Liberation is my word of the week. On Thursday night I took another step in setting myself free of the many emotions, anxieties, and thoughts that filled my mind about the struggles I have faced over the past 5 years. I shared my story for the first time in a large public setting. I had shared my story about a month ago at my church where I knew most of the people and felt comfortable sharing such personal information. This time was a little different with a large audience of people I did not know, although I did have a large group of people that came to show their support including family, friends, and a large group from my church family all clumped in the middle of the auditorium. This time was also different because while I spoke this time a calm feeling blanketed me and everything about what I was doing felt right. My story for the very first time felt like it had a resolution. I can now look at my story as a the last chapter, not the current chapter. While of course the current chapter has been molded by the previous, this chapter has no boundaries. Previously there were boundaries, or so I thought, set by my story. I wouldn't take risks because what if that set me back, or what if I had an anxiety attack, or worse yet what if I started having dark thoughts again.  Now I can take risks when ever I like, I can do what I want to do and not live in fear of what may happen because of my struggles. I can stand up and stand on my own two feet with out letting my story dictate the next chapter. 

I found liberation on Thursday night, liberation from the box I had put myself in, liberations from the thoughts I boxed myself into, and liberation from fear. On Thursday night I heard the stories of many people, some who have overcome and some who sadly have not. I heard heartfelt stories of love, strength, and support from many of the people I was surrounded by. One story in particular has stuck with me. At the end of the event there was a question and answer session with a panel of people including myself who had presented. We were at the end of all the questions that had been written and it was asked if anyone else had something to share. For a moment it was silent until a young woman raised her hand and asked a question that 5 years ago I most certainly would have asked myself. What do you do when you feel you aren't being supported at school? I immediately took the mic to answer. This is the one question that all night I had been waiting to answer whether I knew it or not. I replied to her by talking about self advocating and having people around you to help you advocate when you are struggling. After the event was over I went up to her to talk with her and was overcome with emotion. The courage this young woman had to say something so important and share how she truly felt floored me. It took all the courage in the world to do that and to share her true feelings in front of so many people.  I can tell you this young lady has an incredible strength. 

Each time I share my story I meet new people who can say 'me too' when it comes to the many struggles with depression and anxiety. Thursday night was no different. When I speak to these people I am overcome with emotion  because often times they will share with me how much they struggle and would never be able to share their story the way I have. bhat I would like to share with all of them is, you all are filled with so much strength and courage. Keep fighting the fight because as Dr. Seuss would say, Kid, you'll move mountains!  

Below I have posted the speech I gave on Thursday night at Penn Central alongside Penn Foundation and Pennridge for a suicide awareness night. 

I want to start tonight by spending a moment to share a bit of myself with you before I share my story with depression and anxiety.  I am a 2012 Pennridge graduate and currently a senior at Lebanon Valley College majoring in early childhood and special education, but 5 years ago I never would have imagined myself here tonight or at a point in my life that I would be sharing about the darkest moments in my life.

In early 2011 I began a spiral into a deep and at the time uncontrollable depression that took over my life. It changed who I was, what I did and where I was headed in an instant. I had always been a busy person with many  thing to do, a full social calendar, and of average academic abilities. Nothing would have led anyone to believe I was experiencing depression and anxiety disorders based on my every day appearance.

The first time I remember having an anxiety attack was at a marching band competition in October of 2010. My dad has a genetic lung and liver disease that was diagnosed in the summer of 2008. On this particular weekend he was sick and every time he gets sick or has a cold it is a big deal for him. For whatever reason at this band competition I broke down crying uttering the worlds “I can’t handle this anymore” for the first time. I for the first time felt like I had no control over my emotions or reactions, and felt as though a ton of bricks had just been balanced on my chest. I couldn’t calm down at first and found it really difficult to relax. I finally calmed myself down enough to continue with the night. This was the first of many signs that I was struggling and the first of many anxiety attacks to come.

Two months later I shattered my ankle while at school and had major surgery to repair all of the damage. If I already wasn’t struggling this sent me to a whole new level. Being unable to attend school for weeks and being in pain doesn’t bring out the best in somebody. It gave me time to think and reflect on the many emotions I was feeling which started to spiral into dark, hateful thoughts about myself.

When I finally returned to school I was miserable and downright mean to all of the people closest to me. I was angry and felt like everything I previously had known was being taken away from me.  I was becoming selfish and bitter.

A few weeks after returning to school the unimaginable happened. A classmate of mine took his own life, which devastated my class and highly impacted some of the people closest to me. As I sat at his memorial service a few days later and heard many of my friends and classmates share their memories of him I realized I wasn’t at a good place in my own life but didn’t know what to do about it.

 For months I tried to hide it from people and finally I couldn't hide it anymore. I began to text friends and share with the people closest to me that I wasn't feeling myself, I was feeling sad and out of place. So I went to a therapist who I didn't hit it off with and wouldn't share much with. I felt weird and out of place. I wasn't the type of person to share how I was feeling with someone I didn't know. And I felt as if everyone was judging me because I needed to talk to someone about my struggles. It was getting rapidly worse and I was missing 2 or 3 school days a week because I didn't want to get out of bed or leave my room. All I did was sleep, cry, or share with those close to me how horrible I felt about life and started the cycle all over again.

After a few weeks of this I started sending text messages to my closest friends telling them I didn’t find my life worth while which with in a few days turned into suicidal threats. I felt hopeless and didn’t want to continue living in the pain I was feeling. I am lucky that I had friends that were proactive and willing to tell others what was going on in attempts to get me the help I needed.

 They began telling my parents, their parents, our teachers, and other people around me in hopes to get me the help I truly needed. And that they did. As they began to tell people more began to take place and people began encouraging me to take steps to get the help I needed. Finally after weeks of struggling to find any meaning in my life I decided it was time to do something, which was slightly forced by a situation at school and my parents who were highly proactive in getting me help.  I decided to remove myself from school for a while so that I could focus on getting myself healthy and went to an outpatient treatment center for two weeks.  The partial hospitalization program I went to allowed me to see therapists and psychiatrists daily that could help me to start piecing my life back together and find a treatment plan that would work for me. Each person’s treatment was different according to their situation, needs, and wants. While there I met a group of people my age that were going through similar things. Many of us struggled with depression, difficulties at home, and low self-esteem. We all faced these issues for different reasons but it was the common thread between all of us that helped us to be a support for each other. While there I began to make friends and talk with other people about what they were doing. I found many good strategies that helped me to cope in better ways then I had been. I began journaling and sharing  more about why and what I was feeling. By the time I left I had filled a 200 page journal with thoughts, emotions, songs, lyrics, pictures, and new coping skills. Throughout my time there I was put on medications to help lower my depression and anxiety difficulties, which I continued to take for over a year. I thought I was really doing well when I left the center.

       I returned to school and it was horrible. I felt out of place and unable to handle the stress that came with focusing on my wellbeing and the work that was waiting for me when I returned. The work alone was overwhelming and there were many moments when I couldn’t complete assignments and would break down from the anxiety and stress I was feeling. Each assignment bought on a new anxiety attack or tears. I couldn’t handle it.  I wasn't ready for the stresses of social interactions and the fact that I didn’t have the space I needed to process everything. I felt I didn't fit into society at this point and found it hard to be involved in any social situation including being in class. School was difficult and I felt as if no one around me understood what I was going through besides a select few who I let in.

I had a few teachers in the beginning that really helped me to find safe space with in my time at school. I was a member of the band and found the band director along with the band members to be my safe space. I would spend my study hall and any moment I could in the band room where I could practice and at times talk to my band director about my difficulties and struggles.  It was a way for me to get time and space at school and begin to feel comfortable again in social situations. Even with that support many days I would come home from school and cry. Some days it would be so bad I would cry in the bathroom at my school to try and ease the pain that I was facing. I truly believed again there was no hope in my life of ever getting out of this pit of depression.

            At this point I began self-harming more frequently. I had self-harmed very minimally in the beginning but when I returned to school and couldn’t handle the stresses of school on top of the emotions I was experiencing, and self  harm became frequent. My family and friends once again noticed very quickly and encouraged me to share with people that could help me more. This time I listened and told people immediately and began finding ways to handle the anxiety in a less destructive way. My friends and family kept a close eye on me and helped me to look for positives and use coping skills. My friends would follow me into the bathroom at school to make sure I was okay and talked through things if I needed to. At home my mom would stay up with me all night, be by my side and work through each moment I wanted to give in. It was a village of people that supported me in my decision to be healthy.

         A few weeks after returning to school I began going to a new outpatient therapist. She helped me work through the many difficulties that I faced and with in the next few month things began to get better and I began to see some light. By no means was I good but the depression was becoming bearable. I began using coping skills that were helping me to turn negatives into positives. It was a form of retraining my brain in some regards. Over time it began getting easier but it didn't come without days and nights of shaking and anxiety. My mom would stay up until I fell asleep each night to make sure I didn't give in to the feelings I was having. Some nights she would stay the whole night just to make sure I had the support when I needed it. Her and I together were determined I wasn't going to give in and I didn't.

       Over the many months that followed there were ups and downs. I was part of a support group of young girls struggling with the same thing, we met every Wednesday night and there was a strength in all of us that helped each of us to go on. Some weeks it was difficult but I always knew on Wednesday night I would be surrounded by people who understood and were willing to help me to keep going.  We all had a deep understanding of what we faced and the validation from others dealing with similar things was a great comfort and help through the process. Over these weeks and months I would be fine for awhile and then crumble down again to a place of darkness. Sometimes it seemed as if giving up was my best option but I didn't and that is greatly to do with the coping skills I was taught and the support system I had that continued to remind me I had more the a small reason to keep living.

            I was an still am lucky enough to have a strong support system of family, friends, and professionals. Many people aren’t given these supports and for me these people were key in strengthen me to keep fighting. My parents were highly proactive in getting me to see professionals, keeping an eye on me, communicating with me, and communicating with others around me to make sure everything was being done and I was getting the help I needed. I also had friends that were proactive in telling people, supporting me by listening, and by being there for me and encouraging me to keep fighting. I have been given amazing people that helped me to realize who I really was and find the light in my life again. 

 By the time I graduated high school a year after everything first crumbled to the ground I couldn't believe how far I had come. It was a huge change for me. I had a will and a fight in me and I had decided I wasn't giving up because that’s never who I was; my story was far from over.

        That summer after graduating I went to Prague, Czech Republic with my flute teacher and some other students from her studio. Music had been one of my main escapes through the worst of my depression and I had spent many hours practicing. Playing was my safe space and had always been my safe space to feel and express whatever was going on in my life. Going to Prague was no different; I just found my safe place thousands of miles away to take the next step in overcoming depression.

Prague allowed me to experience life in a new way and was going to put the past behind me. I had one of the greatest trips of my life and experienced life for the first time in over a year without the fog of depression. I had a will to love life and experience it with positive intentions.  It was a turning point for me.

         That August I began a new chapter at Lebanon Valley College. While there I have found myself in more ways then I ever could have imagined when I started. I have had the chance to meet new people, lead, teach children, and experience life in a new ways. I could finally enjoy life. When I left for college I stopped seeing a therapist. I was fine for awhile and even through the ups and downs of my first year of college I made it through with minimal help from professionals. I used my family and my friends to help me through any rough patches and found new friends at LVC that seemed to understand some of the struggles and difficulties that I was facing. I began confiding in these people and telling my story. It was the first time I was telling it. It was the first time I was open about it to people that hadn't experienced it with me. I was on a high of happiness when I left college in May and felt like nothing could take me down but when I returned that August I wasn't myself and I was struggling again but I refused to realize where it was heading until one of my best friends pointed out to me where it was headed and strongly suggested I begin to see someone again. After a few days of deliberation with myself I decided she was right and it was time for me to start seeking help to further heal and find myself in this journey. Over the last 2 years I have done that and I have found peace within myself and peace within some of the things that have happened to me with a new therapist. I can look past them now and see life with a new lens. The journey is never over and I am still on a journey that has many ups and downs. Each day is a struggle but now I find it to be a beautiful challenge that makes me who I am.

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 So here I am 5 years later  sharing my story and finding the courage to tell people its okay to have depression and anxiety, its not weird or odd or weak. It is a part of you that you learn to live with and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Society hides it like its some big horrible secret to struggle in life. I hate to be the person to break the bad news but more people struggle with depression and anxiety then you would ever know. For me sharing my story with people has allowed me the opportunity to make connections with people that I never would have made connections with before. Depression doesn't define you it enhances you and your given talents and abilities. I have embraced it and challenged it. Some days I say to it "Bring it on Depression and Anxiety because I know who is going to win today" and I can tell you now I have won every time I have challenged it. Challenge yourself today whether it be something similar to my story or something else you are trying to overcome.

Don’t be ashamed of your story and who you are. Each piece of you has been molded through each experience you have had up until this point. Your feelings, thoughts and ideas are valid. Be open, share, listen, and be understanding that each person experiences life in a different way. Embrace the difference. Know that you have a choice, the choice to be the author of your own story. Where will it take you?