Breathing Hope!

                        The month of December is always filled with wonder, excitement, stress, and for me a cup full of anxiety and depression. I can truly say that for the last 5 or so years I have not enjoyed the holiday season. Actually if I am being completely honest I have hated every moment of the holidays. The holidays are often times hard for people but society has this way of shoving the sadness people face during this time of year behind the fake joy of shopping, snow, and the perfect family Christmas tree. If we are all being honest here I can bet most of you would agree with me that shopping this time of year is awful and filled with stress of making sure you buy for everyone on the list, have enough money to support all of the purchasing you are doing, and navigating the crowds that we face at virtually every store we walk into. All of these things true signs of the materialistic society we live in. And le...

                           Over the years I have found that I am highly affected by the space I am in. I am impacted by colors, proximity, spacial awareness, and the organization of the overall space. For me a huge piece of coping is creating safe and positive spaces for myself. I shared earlier in this semester about creating my space here at college by the way I arranged and decorated my dorm room so I don't feel a need to repeat myself with that but rather to talk about the things I need to create that safe and positive space for myself. As with everything depression and anxiety related each person needs different things to feel safe and positive. So this is just my list, perhaps you have similar needs or you have different needs to create your space. I often with this think about myself and my friends. Many of my friends are not worried about the colors, decorating, and set up of their room. They just roll with...

Liberation is my word of the week. On Thursday night I took another step in setting myself free of the many emotions, anxieties, and thoughts that filled my mind about the struggles I have faced over the past 5 years. I shared my story for the first time in a large public setting. I had shared my story about a month ago at my church where I knew most of the people and felt comfortable sharing such personal information. This time was a little different with a large audience of people I did not know, although I did have a large group of people that came to show their support including family, friends, and a large group from my church family all clumped in the middle of the auditorium. This time was also different because while I spoke this time a calm feeling blanketed me and everything about what I was doing felt right. My story for the very first time felt like it had a resolution. I can now look at my story as a the last chapter, not the current chapter. While of course the cur...

                I refuse to write this post as asked. Today they asked me to write 10 things I need to stop doing. So instead I am going to write things that I need to work on. I have found in my past 5 years of working towards the best version of myself that I need to phrase things in the positive. Yes I know some people probably are thinking but you have to still acknowledge negatives. Here is my answer to that. I do I just say it is something I am working on or toward rather then something I need to stop doing. Simple phrasing of words can change the level of anxiety or emotions that come with things that need to be done. I have been taught to positively change my negative thoughts into "I'm working on..." thoughts. I know for some people this may not work but for me it helps me to feel more positive about the things I am working on and less overwhelmed. Perspective is everything and we all have things we are working on and getting ...

       Over the last 5 years my list of things that make me happy has been ever changing. I remember it starting out really negative. I had been challenged when hospitalized to write my top 10 list of things I wanted/needed to be happy. They told us they could be anything. When looking back in one of my original journals the first 9 things on the list were "Nope, its not possible" and the 10th thing was "stop asking me to be happy". Then in a later journal when I was asked to do this again I wrote more positive things then nope, and not possible. I wrote things like, stop crying, and talking with friends or therapist, or medication. At that time those were things I needed to be happy. Now my list has changed again and I am sure it will change after this too. It is ever changing.          I am not a huge fan of making lists of things that will make me happy because while there are key components for me what I need to be happy and do for m...

                        One of the things I have found to be a great coping skill is alone time. Over my last few years in College I have found that I need alone time just as much if not more then I need time with people. For me creating space and time to process all of the emotions and never ending roller coaster of anxiety and depression is important to my overall health. When I spend time alone I don't look at it as being lonely or a time without anyone else. I look at it as time with me. Time that I can do things I love without anyone else having input. Sometimes these moments are so critical to how I handle my next episode of anxiety or depression. Spending time to center myself helps me to remind myself of the tools I do have, the good I have in my life, and what I am capable of. For many years I have been dependent on people to help me through my emotions. Yes talking it out is great and I love doing that too ...

                         Yesterday the focus was on my family. Today the focus is on my friends. My friends have been one of the biggest supports through this journey. My friends were really the first line of defense when things started getting bad. They were the ones I told first and the first people to start fielding all of the text messages the revealed how bad things really were for me. They are the ones that took the risks to tell people and get me the help I needed.  Many of them started talking and going to people when they were unsure of what to do. They are the ones that started to go to parents and people who could start to do more to get me the help I needed, and through all of that help they continued to stand by my side each step of the way. They supported me and on many occasions helped me to develop a set of coping skills. When I returned to school after my two weeks of being hospitalized they we...