Breathing Hope!

On Pop-Pop's 80th birthday we all wrote letters of our memories with him after he had faced a rough year of health concerns. I decided for my letter I could not decide on just one memory to share with him so instead I came up with 80 reasons I loved him. 80 memories of our at the time 20 years together. Each year since I have added another reason to the list. Tomorrow would have been Pop-Pop's 83rd birthday and even though he is not here to celebrate with me or share the 83rd reason with I am going to write my 83rd reason and share it with all of you. I am beyond blessed to have 83 reasons, 83 memories, and 23 plus amazing years with my grandfather. Happy Birthday Pop-Pop, here is the 83rd reason! I miss you more than I can express.  83 Reasons I love Pop…. 1.      For saying “We don’t want any.” Every time I walk through the front door. 2.      For teaching me how to hunt for Easter Eggs 3.      For folding my...

       At moments over the last few weeks it has been hard to see the many happenings in my life in any positive light but slowly as I work through the sadness, longing, and exhaustion I am coming to see the lose of my grandfathers as a beautiful blessing. My process of grieving once again taking its own shape. I have been extremely private and on many occasions cold to others. I have had many moments of tears and an overwhelming amount of anxiety. On the night before I was to return to teaching and the students I love so dearly I found myself anxiety ridden and unable to find my center. I had my mind completely out of sorts and couldn't find my breath so I text a friend who reassured me that I would be able to returning to school not only because I was capable of working through this but also because of the support system I have from my colleagues and administration. She reminded me that one of the biggest things for me to do was let go of the fear. You may ask why...

             It has been a few weeks since I had the courage and mindset I needed to write this post. Grief has its own path for everyone who experiences it and I still am trailblazing my grieving path. For so many it can take different forms, ways of coping, and emotional release. For me it has been very private, very guarded, and on so many levels in my own way. I have not cried in public often, I have at times appeared very cold but for me grieving has been deeply personal and private this time around. I am not stranger to grief, having spent other times in my life struggling through the lost of family members, friends, pets, and others with whom I have been close to but this time it is very different. This time I am dealing with grief on my own terms, in my own ways, and very privately in comparison to my previous experience. This is impart because of where I am at in life and the ways in which I continue to take care of myself even through this ...

2016 was a year of new and exciting adventures for me. I graduated college, got my first job, moved from my childhood home, and a flurry of other new and exciting experiences. The one thing that I take away from 2016 that is different than any other year is that I am at my very best when I spend time for myself, by myself, and loving myself. I am the best me when I intentionally make the time to  take care of myself and relax. I am not an individual that has ever particularly relaxed well. It is something I continue to work on and have made great strides in. For 2017 I decided to take a picture a day to represent one way I have taken care of myself that day. My hope is that at the end of 2017 I will have 365 pictures to remind me of all the beautiful ways to take care of myself and continue to build a positive and more centered life. Below you will find my first weeks worth of pictures from my self care project with small captions explaining them. I hope you enjoy and all have a ...

      During the craziness of the holiday season I often have found myself challenged to stay healthy. I currently am in a place where I need a healthy dose of alone time to be able to function with other people. I need time for myself, time where I can reflect, refocus, and recenter myself without the input or influence of others. The holidays brings about a time with many social gatherings, shopping, preparations and a fast pace moment by moment. I over the 6 years since my 'enlightenment' have found the holidays to be an over sensitizing and overwhelming time. Often times facing much anxiety when socializing and having panic attack after panic attack while out shopping. My biggest nightmares all wrapped into a few weeks. The social anxiety and feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and a deep sadness would come over me weeks before the holidays would actually begin. Having a parent that is ill often brings about emotions, questions, and panic. I always have gone rig...

      This week has been extremely difficult for me. I have faced many stresses, added challenges, and personal moments. I have had one of those weeks where it seems that the dust never settles because there is just to much to be done. I however was challenged this week to see through the dust even as it was settling.        I began practicing yoga back in October after a co-worker invited me. At first I was extremely apprehensive about it. After leaving the softball scene six years ago I had a really hard time getting back into physical activity. The emotional wounds that are connected with softball and the physical injuries that still at times plague my ability to do as I want were holding me back. I had a fear of challenging myself physically again. I had a fear of challenging myself and failing. I also had the fear of having to face how my body has changed over those six years and learning to love myself no matter what. I decided to go becaus...

                   I have been absent for a rather large amount of time again here on my blog. I have on numerous occasions over the last few weeks started drafts, finished drafts, deleted drafts and open to blank screens to start writing but I just wasn't feeling the energy that I so often do when I post something. Many times before I post I feel something in me urging me to post whatever I have written but over the last few weeks that urge has been missing and the desire I once had to share so much of myself in hopes of helping just one person better understand or feel less alone in the journey of depression, anxiety or any mental illness. But here I am writing again tonight, and there is a fire again to share my story, my journey, and the many bumps in the road that some days still come up.          Once again it fall back to my friends. Once again they have ignited the flame for me to be a better person ...