In My Own Time and My Own Way

     
       It has been a few weeks since I had the courage and mindset I needed to write this post. Grief has its own path for everyone who experiences it and I still am trailblazing my grieving path. For so many it can take different forms, ways of coping, and emotional release. For me it has been very private, very guarded, and on so many levels in my own way. I have not cried in public often, I have at times appeared very cold but for me grieving has been deeply personal and private this time around. I am not stranger to grief, having spent other times in my life struggling through the lost of family members, friends, pets, and others with whom I have been close to but this time it is very different. This time I am dealing with grief on my own terms, in my own ways, and very privately in comparison to my previous experience. This is impart because of where I am at in life and the ways in which I continue to take care of myself even through this sometimes very dark beginning to the new year. I will continue to grieve in my own way as I feel fit with the emotions that I feel and the path which I am taking in life. I will share as I see fit and able. Grieving is a process, but I will do it in my own time, and my own way.
       Over the last 15 days I have lost two influential men in my life. I have had the privilege my whole life to live within a few minutes of both sets of my grandparents. I have experienced all of the important life milestones with them and have shared in many moments in between that have created memories that I will forever be grateful for. I have been beyond blessed to have known, loved, shared, and learned from both of my grandfathers in my 23 years with them. Today I am going to write about my grandfather on my fathers side, next time I will write about my grandfather on my mothers side after I have had more time to reflect on my memories and time with him and have spent more time grieving in my own way.
      My grandfather on my fathers side I have always shared a special bond with. For many years I have been called Jack Jr. and I am sure that will not change. I am at times a spitting image of my grandfather both in physical appearance and personality traits. There is a picture of my grandfather at about the age of 3 and when compared to pictures of me at age 3 you can barely tell the difference between us. We both were/are teachers and over the last 6 months since I started teaching have shared many stories and memories of his time teaching and my new found experience while teaching. The things he would share about his time in the classroom always bought a smile to my face and even in the last weeks we spent together the first thing he would ask each time I walked into the hospital room or his room at home would be "How was your day at school kid?" and no matter how great my day really was I would always answer " It was a day Pop, but I love it" and he would get a huge grin across his face. One of the memories I have constantly come back to over the last few days as I reflect on my many memories is one day when I was about 8 or 9 I was spending the day at my grandparents house in the summer. It was pouring rain and I was bored even with one of my other cousins accompanying me for the day at their house. As the day went on and I complained more and more about how bored I was Pop had an idea and decided we were going out in the rain. He didn't tell us what he was doing but told both my cousin and I to find a stick. I went eagerly looking for a stick that fit the specifications he gave us. Once I found one I showed it to him and he approved of its size. We went to the curb of the side walk and Pop proclaimed "We are going to sail boats" and that we did. We would set our boats (the sticks) in the street run off and run down the street along side them. We raced against each other to see whose boat would make it to the intersection at the bottom of their street first. Little me found this to be so exciting! Now I look back and remember his smile and laughter as we ran down the streets watching our boats. Such a small moment then but now it brings tears of joy to my eyes as I write. We have shared so many memories and beautiful moments that I will forever hold close to my heart there are too many to share here but as I spend time grieving I know that these memories will forever keep him alive in me. The way I live each day, doing my best and always following my dreams is a tribute to who he was and who he always helped me to be. One of the last things he said to me was how proud of me he was for following my little 6 year old dreams to become a teacher. I will never forget his smile each time we talked about teaching and the feeling I always got when he would tell me as I left each time I visited " Love you kid, be good". Well Pop I love you and you always were so good to me.

At my graduation in May 2016