All of the Power is Already in You

      During the craziness of the holiday season I often have found myself challenged to stay healthy. I currently am in a place where I need a healthy dose of alone time to be able to function with other people. I need time for myself, time where I can reflect, refocus, and recenter myself without the input or influence of others. The holidays brings about a time with many social gatherings, shopping, preparations and a fast pace moment by moment. I over the 6 years since my 'enlightenment' have found the holidays to be an over sensitizing and overwhelming time. Often times facing much anxiety when socializing and having panic attack after panic attack while out shopping. My biggest nightmares all wrapped into a few weeks. The social anxiety and feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and a deep sadness would come over me weeks before the holidays would actually begin. Having a parent that is ill often brings about emotions, questions, and panic. I always have gone right to the "What if this is the last Christmas?" question and have let that run every piece of what I have done for the holidays. I honestly can say I really haven't enjoyed the holidays since before high school. I have made it through that it is all.
       This year however my approach to the over sensitizing and overwhelming time of year is different. This year I am going to take my time, I am going to be present, and I am going to do me. I will get to social events when I get there, I will shop if and when I want to, and I will prepare for the holidays in my own way. I am determined to reject the societal picture of what the holidays should be. I am determined to enjoy them, in my own way. I will give myself time to relax, care for myself, enjoy each bite of cookie I take, and love my family and friends fully. I will not worry about the perfect wrapping paper with the perfect bow, how clean each corner of the house is, if the cookies taste just right, or if I am a few minutes late. I will spend my time investing in myself and the people I love. I will be present and enjoy the presence of the people I love. Through this presence I will only think of the here and now, not about next year, or last year. I will not answer the many questions that go through my head or judge the many thoughts that enter my mind. I will simply acknowledge their existence and decide what I am going to do with it. Am I going to act on my thoughts or am I going to allow myself to simply acknowledge and move on?
       This type of mindfulness just a year ago would have been extremely challenging for me. It would have taken many moments of my day to refocus, recenter, and remind myself to allow thoughts to flow in and out without judging them. I for the last 6 years have been making the choose to be absent. I have allowed myself to believe that my power resides outside of myself. But now I realize the power has always been there. It has always been within me to be as present as I choose. This year I am reminded how far I have come, how amazing life is and how incredible the mind is. I am reminded that I can do anything I set my mind to and I have a power to lead myself where ever I would like to go. As I enter this last week before Christmas I am looking forward to sharing time with so many people I love and actually enjoying it for the first time in many years. I am looking forward to being present and using my power to love myself and those around me fiercely.

Enjoy your holidays and remember you have the power to be as present or as absent as you choose. All of the power is already in you.