Connecting on a New Level

      This week has been extremely difficult for me. I have faced many stresses, added challenges, and personal moments. I have had one of those weeks where it seems that the dust never settles because there is just to much to be done. I however was challenged this week to see through the dust even as it was settling.
       I began practicing yoga back in October after a co-worker invited me. At first I was extremely apprehensive about it. After leaving the softball scene six years ago I had a really hard time getting back into physical activity. The emotional wounds that are connected with softball and the physical injuries that still at times plague my ability to do as I want were holding me back. I had a fear of challenging myself physically again. I had a fear of challenging myself and failing. I also had the fear of having to face how my body has changed over those six years and learning to love myself no matter what. I decided to go because what could it hurt, one time and I'd be done. I'd move on and could put all of my fears, apprehensions, and self judgment back under the rug and pretend they weren't there, but that's not exactly what happened.
        I left my first class exhausted but not in the ways I had imagined. I had felt safe through the whole class and hadn't found my fears getting in the way as I had anticipated. I found myself relaxed in a way I hadn't experienced in the 6 or so years since I had last done something physically for myself. I for the last 6 years have worked diligently on the mental health component of my life, often times leaving all other components of a healthy me in the background.
        Over the last two months since I have started practicing I find myself connected in ways I previously wasn't and find myself looking forward to my Monday and Friday evenings with just myself. It is guaranteed time in my week that are just for me, no one else. I find myself experiencing more clarity in my decision making, needs and wants, and my healing. I find myself forgiving people in my life that I never imagined I could find forgiveness for. I for the first time can be present with myself and let the past go. That being said I am still working and by no means is the past completely behind me. I still am working through many of the events, situations, and experiences that I have had but I can work through them one by one rather then lumping them together. I can work through them with a clearer mind that indeed they are in the past and not in my present. I can work through anxiety and panic by checking in with myself and acknowledging that I am here and not there. I can breath.
         As I worked through many events this week I found myself overwhelmed, unable to sleep, and emotionally messy. I felt disconnected and unable to reconnect but on Friday evening I was reminded of many things I had forgotten this week. I was reminded to love myself, focus on myself, and care for myself or I can not care for those around me who I love so dearly. If my cup is empty I can not pour from it. I am not what happens or happened to me but instead I can choose how to react to it and how to move forward. I can be connected in even the most difficult moments.
         My journey through healing, finding myself, learning to love me, and learning to forgive continues. I never know what might happen next but I do know that no matter what I will continue to grow, evolve, and learn. I will continue to heal because that's what I have chosen to do and no one can take that away from me. I can embrace all of my experiences and realize that even the darkest moments will be a part of me because they have made me stronger. They have opened my eyes and allowed me to love other people in ways I never would have been able to. These experiences have allowed me to share of myself, meet new people, and share in life with so many people. I have chosen how I am going to live and how I am going to learn, grow, and evolve from each experience on any given day.  Through practicing yoga I have found a deeper sense of who I am and can connect with myself physically and mentally. I can begin to balance the many components to a healthy me, rather than just one. I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.