Embrace Silence

     
          I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the last many years but today something was different. Today for most of the day with the exception of about 45 minutes when I went to lunch I didn't really talk to anyone. I spent most of my day quietly doing my own thing either in my room or in a practice room of the music building. For the first time in probably my entire life I felt completely at peace and content with the silence around me and what I previously would have classified as loneliness. Instead of classifying it as loneliness today I found it to be enjoyable, reflective and so needed. Ever since starting student teaching back in August I haven't really slowed down. My life has always been going thousands of miles a minute between teaching, studying for certification tests, the holidays, making sure I finish everything at home before I head back to school, and just the general busyness of life.  
      Coming back to college last Sunday was difficult. Not because I didn't want to return to school but simply because my semester is rather quiet and actually in my opinion rather boring. I have for all but my very first semester and my student teaching semester taken at least 20 credits. This semester I only have 16 credits and not many extracurriculars like in the past. I never thought in the past semesters when I felt like I didn't have room to breath that I would be saying this semester "I'm bored please give me something to do." But here I sit bored out of my mind and in search of things to do.
      Today as I took a step back and just did as I please with no influence from the outside world I found peace in the simplicity of just doing what I wanted and needed. It's not that I don't love people and socializing but sometimes a break and time spent alone is much needed. One of my favorite quotes is Oscar Wilde's "I think it's very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person."  This quote is important to me because for so long I have categorized alone time as being lonely and unloved but really that isn't what it is at all. It is the chance to spend time with the racing thoughts and slow them down so you can actually acknowledge them. It is a chance to enjoy simple things around you, like being able to open the window without anyone telling you they are too hot or too cold. It is a chance to sort out everything you have been experiencing, to process it in your own way with out the thoughts of someone else sneaking in and influencing how you process it.
      For me today was the chance to debrief all of the craziness that occurs in my life. To finally allow myself to feel the emotional roller coaster that I am on. As I shared with you in my last blog post my father has a very serious illness that effects every piece of my life and has for the last 7+ years. I can be very moody, unpredictable, and all over the place because of the never ending ride of emotions but what I have found over time is being able to sit with myself, acknowledge it, and feel each emotion as fully as I need to until I feel some level of peace with it. Acknowledging the emotion doesn't mean I am going to let it derail my day but it does mean that I am going to recognize it is there and then choose what I want to do with it. Some days of course that goes better than on other days. Today however was successful. I had been feeling very emotionally unstable and off balance over the last few weeks and just simply spending one day to myself doing things I love to do helped me to balance out and figure out where I stand. The silence of being alone allows me to provide self care and self love that sometimes gets hidden when others are involved. I can define myself in the silence in the way that I feel fit for that moment in my life. Being alone is oh so different than loneliness. It's time to embrace a healthy dose of alone time for me and I challenge you to try it too, even if its only for a few moments. Slow down, listen to yourself, you know exactly what you need in your heart and mind.