A Private Process

    Over the last few weeks I haven't been feeling fully happy and joyous. There is always a whirlwind of things going on in my life between my struggles with anxiety and depression to coping and processing having an ill parent. I have many moments were I cry, seem distant and unaware of things going on around me. This weekend I spent some time alone with both of my roommates, both of which know many of the struggles I face and the emotions that run deep through me. As I was talking to my best friend yesterday about out friendship something was said that struck me. After we both had said our piece and I had shared with her many of the emotions and feelings I have about having a father who is sick she replied with something like, that explains a lot about how you have been reacting lately. She has been one of the most supportive people through college and this journey of having a sick parent but as we said yesterday to each other until you experience it yourself you will never understand.
   That being said I often find myself feeling lonely and as if no one understands the experiences I am having. The joy of having my father far longer then any doctor originally told us we would and the fear of what is going to happen next. Its a constant roller coaster of joy, fear, anxiety, excitement, pain, and the unknown. It is a grieving process of sorts. For me I often find myself very closed off to talking about my father being sick. Many people around me don't know unless the get close to me and even then I am guarded about it. It is so close to my heart that it is not something I easily share or feel I need to broadcast. Anyone close to me can tell you when there were articles published in my town after speaking about my continuing journey with depression and anxiety I got very upset. I knew there would be media but what upset me was that a few of the articles capitalized on one sentence of my entire journey about my dad being ill. Some of the articles even published it as if the reason I experience depression and anxiety is because my father is ill. When I read those articles I became very upset and protective over the situation. While of course this plays a role in my anxiety and depression it is not the reason I have experienced it. I have depression and anxiety disorder for so many other reasons, experiences, and unknown reasons. The topic is definitely one that is so close to me and that I guard so much I am sure people feel I cause some of the loneliness  myself from not being an open book about it. It is a process, a journey, and a path that at times is very private.
     As I continued to talk with my friend and share more about how I feel in all of the chaos that seems to be my life she made a point, one she has made oh I don't know probably a few hundred times at this point but I guess this time I got something different out of it. She keeps reminding me to live my life, nothing I do is going to change the outcome. When she has said this before I have heard it but not really listened to it. For whatever reason I listened to it and really heard it this time. It was a reminder to stay positive in times when I could easily find myself completely negative. So for today that is all I am going to say perhaps in the coming weeks I will add more. Below you will find some of my favorite positive quotes and affirmations to help keep me going. Enjoy and stay warm!











Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Day Eleven

A Special Place

To keep me writing....