A Private Process

    Over the last few weeks I haven't been feeling fully happy and joyous. There is always a whirlwind of things going on in my life between my struggles with anxiety and depression to coping and processing having an ill parent. I have many moments were I cry, seem distant and unaware of things going on around me. This weekend I spent some time alone with both of my roommates, both of which know many of the struggles I face and the emotions that run deep through me. As I was talking to my best friend yesterday about out friendship something was said that struck me. After we both had said our piece and I had shared with her many of the emotions and feelings I have about having a father who is sick she replied with something like, that explains a lot about how you have been reacting lately. She has been one of the most supportive people through college and this journey of having a sick parent but as we said yesterday to each other until you experience it yourself you will never understand.
   That being said I often find myself feeling lonely and as if no one understands the experiences I am having. The joy of having my father far longer then any doctor originally told us we would and the fear of what is going to happen next. Its a constant roller coaster of joy, fear, anxiety, excitement, pain, and the unknown. It is a grieving process of sorts. For me I often find myself very closed off to talking about my father being sick. Many people around me don't know unless the get close to me and even then I am guarded about it. It is so close to my heart that it is not something I easily share or feel I need to broadcast. Anyone close to me can tell you when there were articles published in my town after speaking about my continuing journey with depression and anxiety I got very upset. I knew there would be media but what upset me was that a few of the articles capitalized on one sentence of my entire journey about my dad being ill. Some of the articles even published it as if the reason I experience depression and anxiety is because my father is ill. When I read those articles I became very upset and protective over the situation. While of course this plays a role in my anxiety and depression it is not the reason I have experienced it. I have depression and anxiety disorder for so many other reasons, experiences, and unknown reasons. The topic is definitely one that is so close to me and that I guard so much I am sure people feel I cause some of the loneliness  myself from not being an open book about it. It is a process, a journey, and a path that at times is very private.
     As I continued to talk with my friend and share more about how I feel in all of the chaos that seems to be my life she made a point, one she has made oh I don't know probably a few hundred times at this point but I guess this time I got something different out of it. She keeps reminding me to live my life, nothing I do is going to change the outcome. When she has said this before I have heard it but not really listened to it. For whatever reason I listened to it and really heard it this time. It was a reminder to stay positive in times when I could easily find myself completely negative. So for today that is all I am going to say perhaps in the coming weeks I will add more. Below you will find some of my favorite positive quotes and affirmations to help keep me going. Enjoy and stay warm!