Sharing My Story: The Beginning
5 years ago I began a spiral into a deep and at the time uncontrollable depression that took over my life. It changed who I was, what I did and where I was headed in an instant. I had always been a busy person with lots to do, a full social calendar, and average academic abilities. Nothing would lead anyone to believe I have depression and anxiety disorder based on my every day apperance. For weeks I tried to hide it from people and finally I couldn't hide it anymore. I began to text friends and share with the people closest to me that I wasn't feeling myself, I was feeling sad and out of place. So I went to a social worker who I didn't hit it off with and wouldn't share much with. I felt weird and out of place. I wasn't the type of person to share how I was feeling with someone I didn't know. And I felt as if everyone was judging me because I needed to talk to someone about my struggles. It was getting rapidly worse. I was missing 2 or 3 school days a week because I didn't want to get out of bed or leave my room. All I did was sleep, cry, or share with those close to me how horrible I felt about life and start the cycle all over again. I began texting friends and sharing with them that I didn't find my life to be worth anything anymore and was feeling hopeless. I didn't want to continue living the way I was. My friends being the amazing people they are decided it was time to tell people that I was feeling this way. They began telling their parents, our teachers and staff at school, and other people around me in hopes to get me the help I truly needed. And that they did. As they began to tell people more began to take place and people began encouraging me to take steps to get the help I needed. Finally after weeks of struggling to find any meaning in my life I decided it was time to do something which was slightly forced by a situation at school. I decided to remove myself from school for awhile so that I could focus on getting myself healthy and went to an outpatient treatment center from 9-3 each day for two weeks. This center allowed me to see therapists and psychologist daily that could help me to begin to piece my life back together and find a treatment plan that would work for me and the struggles I was facing. While there I met a group of people my age that were going through similar things. Many of us struggled with depression, difficulties at home, and low self-esteem. We all faced these issues for different reasons but it was the common thread between all of us. While there I began to make friends and talk with other people about what they were doing. I found many good strategies that helped me to cope in better ways then I had been. I journaled and shared more about why and what I was feeling. I was put on medications to help lower my depression and anxiety difficulties. I thought I was really doing well until right before I left when I began to self harm behind the backs of those who were helping me.
After my two weeks away at the center I returned to school and it was horrible. I felt out of place and unable to handle the stress that came with focusing on my wellbeing and the work that was waiting for me when I returned. I wasn't ready for the stresses of social interactions and the fact that I couldn't just break down at any moment I wanted wasn't working out for me. I felt I didn't fit into society at this point. I didn't find my school setting to be supportive of the struggles I was facing and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Many days I would come home from school and self harm or cry. Some days it would be so bad I would self harm in the bathroom at my school to try and ease the pain that I was facing. I truly believed again there was no hope in my life of ever getting out of this pit of depression.
A few weeks after returning to school I began going to a new outpatient therapist. She helped me work through the self harm and with in the next month I stopped self harming. She began the process by finding the root of why I self harmed then giving me tools and coping skills to use to help me when the urge was there to stop myself. So we began using rubber band balls, band aids, cool water, ice, journaling, drawing, and self regulations strategies. Over time it began getting easier but it didn't come without days and nights of shaking and anxiety from not having the easy escape of self harm. My mom would stay up until I fell asleep each night to make sure I didn't give in. She would hold me and some nights she would stay the whole night just to make sure I had the support when I needed it. Her and I together were determined I wasn't going to give in and I didn't. Four years later I sit here proud to say I overcame self harm. Each year as the anniversary approaches I realize how lucky I am that I had the support of a wonderful therapist, family, and friends that helped me to stop my self destructive behaviors.
Over the many months that followed there were ups and downs. I was part of a support group of young girls struggling with the same thing, we met every Wednesday night and there was a strength in all of us that helped each of us to go on. Some weeks it was difficult but I always knew on Wednesday night I would be surrounded by people who understood and were willing to help me to keep going. Over these weeks and months I would be fine for awhile and then crumble down again to a place of darkness. Sometimes it seemed as if giving up was my best option but I didn't and that is greatly to do with the coping skills I was taught and the support system I had that continued to remind me I had more the a small reason to keep living. By the time I graduated high school a year after everything first crumbled to the ground I couldn't believe how far I had come. It was a huge change for me. I had a will and a fight in me and I had decided I wasn't giving up because thats never who I was.
That summer after graduating I went to Prague, Czech Republic with my flute teacher and some other students from her studio. Before leaving I made a choice, one that probably wasn't my smartest choice in this journey, but I made it. I decided I was going to experience life in a new way and was going to put the past behind me. I stopped taking my medicine a week before I left to travel miles away from my support system and therapist. This could have ended horribly and set me back in more ways then I want to imagine but it didn't. I had one of the greatest trips of my life and experienced life for the first time in over a year without the fog of medicine. When I returned and told my psychologist and therapist I thought they might kill me but they promised me that if I continued on the path I was on at the time for the rest of the summer they would allow me to go off the meds for good. So a month later I started the next chapter... medicine free.
That August I began this new chapter medicine free at Lebanon Valley College. While there I have found myself in more ways then I ever could have imagined then. I have had the chance to meet new people, teach children, and experience life in a new way. I could finally enjoy life. When I left for college I stopped seeing a therapist. I was fine for awhile and even through the ups and downs of my first year of college I made it through with minimal help from professionals. I used my family and my friends to help me through any rough patches and found new friends at LVC that seemed to understand some of the struggles and difficulties that I was facing. I began confiding in these people and telling my story. It was the first time I was telling it. It was the first time I was open about it to people that hadn't experienced it with me. I was on a high of happiness when I left college in May and felt like nothing could take me down but when I returned that August I wasn't myself and I was struggling again but I refused to realize where it was heading until one of my best friends pointed out to me where it was headed and strongly suggested I begin to see someone again. After a few days of deliberation with myself I decided she was right and it was time for me to start seeking help and further heal and find myself in this journey. Over the last year and a half I have done that and I have found peace within myself and peace within some of the things that have happened to me. I can look past them now and see life with a new lens. The journey is never over and I am still on a journey that has many ups and downs. Each day is a struggle but now I find it to be a beautiful challenge that makes me who I am.
So here I am sharing my story and finding the courage to tell people its okay to have depression and anxiety, its not weird or odd or weak. It is a part of you that you learn to live with and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Society hides it like its some big horrible secret to struggle in life. I hate to be the person to break the bad news but more people struggle with depression and anxiety then you would ever know. For me sharing my story with people has allowed me the opportunity to make connections with people that I never would have made connections with before. Depression doesn't define you it enhances you and your God given talents and abilities. I have embraced it and challenged it. Some days I say to it "Bring it on Depression and Anxiety because I know who is going to win today" and I can tell you now I have won every time I have challenged it. Challenge yourself today whether it be something similar to my story or something else you are trying to overcome. Be the author of your story!
I am so proud of you for sharing your story. And I know this was not an easy thing to do. Keep the faith and keep the challenge.
ReplyDelete