The Next Step

              
          Okay here we go..... I really have no idea where to begin or what to say to all of my readers this week besides this: I am overwhelmed!! Extremely overwhelmed. It is a good and positive overwhelmed but there is definitely a feeling of not sure where all of this is going right now. I never expected the response that I got after my post about my story with depression and anxiety last week. I expected the general 50 or 60 people to read it and not much to come of it…. Boy was I wrong!! Over 200 people have read the post and I have gotten responses from a great many of those people. I was sitting at work the day I posted it and left work later then usual. When I looked at my phone it had blown up with notifications. I had text messages, missed calls, voicemails, Facebook responses, emails, you name it there was at least one notification from each social media account on my phone. My immediate response was to just sit my phone down and pretend it wasn’t happening. If I pretended it wasn’t happening I could be quiet about everything and not deal with the fact of “Oh crap, you finally shared it”. So my phone went off for a bit after answering a few people about everyday things or a short response to what they had shared about reading the blog, other then that I put it down. I was so overwhelmed and at this point, I didn’t dare look at the read count on my blog. So I sat with it for a while and as I was driving to an appointment with the therapist I currently am seeing I broke down into tears.  I didn’t know what to do and it finally hit me that my story was out there. I finally had told the world with no shame of some of the struggles I have faced and continue to face. After 5 years of hiding it behind a wall and pretending I had the perfect “struggle free” life, I was free. I freed myself from the burden of being fake, pretending, and putting up a facade of someone I was not. I finally let my hair down, wiped off the make up I hate wearing, and allowed myself to truly show through all the fake bullshit I have been hiding behind for years. The tear I shed were tears of joy, relief, excitement, and pride in myself. This moment in my life was a long time coming and has been carefully molded over the last 5 years of this crazy thing called life.

            When I walked into my therapist office the first thing I did was cry.  She had known before that I was preparing myself when the time was right to share my story and she encouraged me to have the courage and belief in myself that I could share. We talked for a great deal of time about how I wanted to handle the overwhelming feelings that I was experiencing. We spoke about what my boundaries are, where I want to head with this, and how this is going to affect my journey now that I had allowed myself to be vulnerable and open.  After our conversation I really struggled to find where I wanted to go with all of this. Did I just want to share on my blog and be done with it? Did I want to go further? What was I willing to share and what is still off limits for me? How was I going to move forward? All these questions swirled in my head and as they were swirling, the decisions began to get more complicated. I have been given some opportunities to share my story through speaking to groups of people at some upcoming engagements. At first it all sounded great. I was excited that people wanted to talk about depression and anxiety openly and were willing to listen to what I had to say about it. My first thought was WOW I have a huge opportunity to help people through this but as I began to think further I realized how different sharing publicly, in front of people I never have met before would be.  I took a step back again to evaluate what I wanted to do. After 3 or so days of going back and forth and weighing the options I decided it was time to pull in outside sources. So I began by texting some of my friends and asking them just their overall thoughts. I needed an outside opinion from people I trust and from people who know me. I talked with four different friends and all of them had almost the same reaction to my questioning of these opportunities.  “you need to do what’s best for you, people will respect you if you say no, it’s a new and sensitive topic. Do this for you, don’t people please”. Hearing this from some of the most important people in my life made me decide I have every right to say no and share when I am ready.  I will be doing some sharing and taking the small opportunities to share but nothing big and crazy or life changing right now. Perhaps in the future I will share more and take more opportunities to share with large groups, you never know where life is going. I need to keep a balance between sharing and keeping myself healthy; after all keeping myself healthy is my number one priority.

So here I am still overwhelmed sharing my story. This last week has been crazy, overwhelming, and out of control but it has been wonderful, freeing, and delightful to take this next step in finding who I am and where I am headed. I can’t wait to see what the future brings and share where life is taking me with all of you. Life is beautiful even in the most overwhelming and uncomfortable times in life.  The most uncomfortable times for me have always been the most liberating and healing moments in my life. As the weeks progress I will continue to update you on some of the opportunities I have taken to further share my story and share positive and uplifting things that I am finding in my daily life. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received from all of you over this past week. I am so incredibly blessed. Time for another week filled with adventure and change. Watch out world here I come!!