Finding Sunshine in the Dark

Tonight I write to you wrapped in a blanket, with a cup of tea in my hand.  I am slightly messy and unsure of my next steps in my journey of healing, but I can always find comfort in a cup of tea and my LVC throw blanket hugging me. The last week or so has been a difficult time for me.  The uncomfortable and unsettled feeling of where I am currently at emotionally has torn me down a little bit. I have been faced with a lot of anxiety this past week. Anxiety that I thought I had faced head on and worked through but I am finding out that while I have worked through it before that doesn’t mean it will never return. This week I have been faced with flashbacks from some unpleasant events in my life that have contributed to the many struggled I have and continue to face.  I know some day these horrible memories will fade and be a small piece of the bigger story but now they still feel very large and very real. While this is a difficult thing to face I know that with God I will once again fight the fight and come out shinning at the end of this tunnel of darkness.

            One of the most difficult things for me when I am in a darker place is to get out of bed in the morning. Staying in bed wrapped up in blankets of comfort where the world can’t touch me is honestly the only place I want to be, its easier and safer then facing the big bad world that never seems to understand the struggles people who face depression and anxiety deal with. During my darkest of times I would give into my urge to stay in bed and often times didn’t move for days at a time. But this time I am fighting more then ever, waking up every morning with a smile, promising myself and affirming to myself that I am going to make it through today one moment at a time.  I refuse to allow myself to fall into the trap of darkness and be swallowed up by the negative feelings so I fight each day, some days better then others. So now that I have spilled how I truly feel and refuse to be ‘fake’ about my feelings and pretend that I am perfectly okay and this journey isn’t hard I will share the reason I felt it was important to let all of you in on my current struggles.

            I share this because this is a very real part of the journey that I am currently on and is very real for many people that experience anxiety, depression, and trauma in their lives. I have promised to make this blog real, to share myself, and to share the journey that I am on. I for so many years covered up the real pieces of me that were falling apart and hid them under the rug when people were near, that now I can’t allow myself to continue that habit. Our world is filled with sugar coating but what all of us often forget is everyone is fighting a battle. Each persons battle is different, personal, and often times scary. If we allow ourselves to open up to one another and share a piece of our self we will find that not only do we have similarities but often times there is comfort for all parties involved because of this deeply personal sharing. While there are many things that are kept private for whatever reason the struggle does not have to be alone but can be shared with God and those you feel the urge to share with. So today I have shared with you to remind you we are all in this crazy journey of life together and while we all struggle differently there is comfort in knowing we all have our own struggles.  Share your love this week and share a piece of yourself, no matter how big or small, it could change someone’s entire world.