Breathing Hope!

     Comfortably uncomfortable is the only way I can explain my last few weeks. I have found myself in this whirl of feeling every emotion in the book all at once and man is it overwhelming. For so many months I have blocked myself from feeling. I have numbed myself with work, activities, and anything possible in attempts to not feel, to block, and hopefully over pass whatever was coming on my emotional rollercoaster. Through all of the blocking and manipulating of my emotions I knew that I was not going to get away with overpassing the overwhelming wave of emotions hitting me from the many events that have taken place in my life in the last year.         A little over a year ago both of my grandfathers were sitting on either side of me as we celebrated my graduation in my parents new home. I was job searching, unsure of where I was going to end up teaching and if I was going to have a classroom of my own fresh out of college. I was on an emotion...

                                 Learning to be okay with the never ending twists and turns of grief is challenging. It is a challenge I have successfully avoided for nearly six months. This past week I have taken another step in my twists and turns of grief. For the last five months I have dove deep into my work and other activities. I have made sure to keep myself busy, overworked, and unaware of how I actually was feeling. I wouldn't allow myself to relax or slow down because that just meant I would experience emotions and heartache that I was not yet willing to face. That meant I would have to acknowledge that what all happened in January was real. I would have to accept that I no longer had my two wonderful grandfathers and that a piece of me went with them.       This last week however school ended, leaving me with time and a much less stressful environment. The moment I left ...

           Sometimes you just need a change in pace to keep yourself going. For me that change of pace came over my spring break. Now I can imagine you are thinking of a sunny beach with warm temperatures and beautiful water, sand and palm trees. My spring break was spent with beautiful water and sand but it was not the warm sunny beach you imagine.             I decided about 6 weeks ago that I was going to go visit my best friend and college roommate. I had been (and still am) missing her dearly and felt that both of us could use some quality best friend time to slow our pace in both of our crazy busy lives. The catch to all of this was that I decided to surprise my friend, she had no idea I was coming. I knew it would take her off guard and she isn’t always the easiest person to surprise (partly because I struggle to keep any secrets from her). I contacted one of her friends on the island she liv...

On Pop-Pop's 80th birthday we all wrote letters of our memories with him after he had faced a rough year of health concerns. I decided for my letter I could not decide on just one memory to share with him so instead I came up with 80 reasons I loved him. 80 memories of our at the time 20 years together. Each year since I have added another reason to the list. Tomorrow would have been Pop-Pop's 83rd birthday and even though he is not here to celebrate with me or share the 83rd reason with I am going to write my 83rd reason and share it with all of you. I am beyond blessed to have 83 reasons, 83 memories, and 23 plus amazing years with my grandfather. Happy Birthday Pop-Pop, here is the 83rd reason! I miss you more than I can express.  83 Reasons I love Pop…. 1.      For saying “We don’t want any.” Every time I walk through the front door. 2.      For teaching me how to hunt for Easter Eggs 3.      For folding my...

       At moments over the last few weeks it has been hard to see the many happenings in my life in any positive light but slowly as I work through the sadness, longing, and exhaustion I am coming to see the lose of my grandfathers as a beautiful blessing. My process of grieving once again taking its own shape. I have been extremely private and on many occasions cold to others. I have had many moments of tears and an overwhelming amount of anxiety. On the night before I was to return to teaching and the students I love so dearly I found myself anxiety ridden and unable to find my center. I had my mind completely out of sorts and couldn't find my breath so I text a friend who reassured me that I would be able to returning to school not only because I was capable of working through this but also because of the support system I have from my colleagues and administration. She reminded me that one of the biggest things for me to do was let go of the fear. You may ask why...

             It has been a few weeks since I had the courage and mindset I needed to write this post. Grief has its own path for everyone who experiences it and I still am trailblazing my grieving path. For so many it can take different forms, ways of coping, and emotional release. For me it has been very private, very guarded, and on so many levels in my own way. I have not cried in public often, I have at times appeared very cold but for me grieving has been deeply personal and private this time around. I am not stranger to grief, having spent other times in my life struggling through the lost of family members, friends, pets, and others with whom I have been close to but this time it is very different. This time I am dealing with grief on my own terms, in my own ways, and very privately in comparison to my previous experience. This is impart because of where I am at in life and the ways in which I continue to take care of myself even through this ...