Being Honest with Myself

         

       

       
       Learning to be okay with the never ending twists and turns of grief is challenging. It is a challenge I have successfully avoided for nearly six months. This past week I have taken another step in my twists and turns of grief. For the last five months I have dove deep into my work and other activities. I have made sure to keep myself busy, overworked, and unaware of how I actually was feeling. I wouldn't allow myself to relax or slow down because that just meant I would experience emotions and heartache that I was not yet willing to face. That meant I would have to acknowledge that what all happened in January was real. I would have to accept that I no longer had my two wonderful grandfathers and that a piece of me went with them.
      This last week however school ended, leaving me with time and a much less stressful environment. The moment I left my schools parking lot for my few weeks of summer vacation before returning for summer school I knew what I was going to do. I was going to do something I hadn't been able to do until that day. On my way back towards my parents house and the town most of my family lives in I stopped at Giant and bought a single rose, a rose to signify my first year of teaching coming to a close and I traveled to the place where the one person I wanted to go talk to was. This time however there would be no response, just a conversation between me, God, and the nature around me. As I pulled up to my grandfathers grave, which I had not been to since the day of his funeral I burst into tears. I sobbed for the very first time since his death. After I calmed myself a bit I got out of the car and placed the single rose on his grave. It was my way of celebrating with him that I had made it and that for the first time since his death I would give anything to have one last conversation with him, one last moment to celebrate. For those of you who don't know, my grandfather was a gym teacher and we shared many teaching stories through my first 4 months of teaching. As a stood at his grave something happened that I can only feel was him having that celebratory conversation with me that I so much wanted. In a near by tree there was a single bird singing and chirping away. In that moment I was overcome with emotion but found comfort among the hole I felt inside of me. A comfort I hadn't felt in 5 months.
       The bird singing and the comfort I felt in the midst of the pain reminds me that even in the most difficult and painful moments of life there are beautiful blessings happening around you, you just may have to look a little harder then usual. My path through grief is far from over, in many perspectives it is probably just beginning but I am reminded that grief comes in so many different ways and it can teach you a great deal about yourself.
        This weekend following my first visit to my grandfather I spent time with my best friend celebrating her birthday. In years past we have celebrated in a variety of ways but this year the theme of celebrating was relaxing and spending time together. We both needed that after the years both of us endured in our first year teaching and experiencing life after college. After spending time together this weekend I realized a few things. I realized that I often don't take the time I need to take care of myself, I often find ways to mask any form of pain or difficulty, when someone calls me out for not taking care of myself or not being completely honest about my emotional state I become upset, and I have become much calmer and more understanding of the world around me in the last year. I have learned a great deal about myself and I continue to have a great deal to work on but I am reminded by both my grandfather and my best friend that I need to slow down, I need to take care of myself, and I need to allow life to flow organically with out my iron fist controlling it. Over the next few weeks as I relax, away from the job I so dearly love, I am challenging myself to focus on me, to feel fully, and to spend honest time with myself, God, and those around me.