Breathing Hope!

          2017 has been a year of many ups, downs, and many in between. With the way my 2016 ended and my 2017 started I felt as though there would be no good in the year ahead. All I could see and feel is darkness and lose, but that is not how my year truly was. As I sit and reflect as I do at this time each year I realize what could have been a very dark and painful year had some beautiful pieces to it. I choose to shine lights on those shiny moments of the year.           Last night I began the process of truly looking within the depths of my soul about this year and one of the ways I always find myself reflecting, debriefing, and growing is by looking at quotes, sayings, and places where I have found support through my journey with anxiety and depression. As I was looking through last night I found this:             Over the year I have found myself broken many times as we all have fo...

        September is suicide prevention month. A month that is near and dear to me for so many reasons. I have been on both sides of suicide. I have been on the side of being left behind and on the side of feeling my life was no longer worth living. Every year as September rolls around I find myself reflecting and rebuilding. Reflecting on the experiences that have so deeply impacting me and formed who I am and rebuilding into the person I can be; the person I was made to me. Each year a variety of organizations supporting suicide awareness, depression, anxiety, addiction, and mental health put out campaigns to provide awareness and recovery. Each year I look forward to reading the inspiring message these organizations share and the responses of those who are willing to share of themselves and their experiences with mental health. This year I have gravitated towards To Write Love on Her Arms message. The message to Stay. Find what you were made for. A message...

     Comfortably uncomfortable is the only way I can explain my last few weeks. I have found myself in this whirl of feeling every emotion in the book all at once and man is it overwhelming. For so many months I have blocked myself from feeling. I have numbed myself with work, activities, and anything possible in attempts to not feel, to block, and hopefully over pass whatever was coming on my emotional rollercoaster. Through all of the blocking and manipulating of my emotions I knew that I was not going to get away with overpassing the overwhelming wave of emotions hitting me from the many events that have taken place in my life in the last year.         A little over a year ago both of my grandfathers were sitting on either side of me as we celebrated my graduation in my parents new home. I was job searching, unsure of where I was going to end up teaching and if I was going to have a classroom of my own fresh out of college. I was on an emotion...

                                 Learning to be okay with the never ending twists and turns of grief is challenging. It is a challenge I have successfully avoided for nearly six months. This past week I have taken another step in my twists and turns of grief. For the last five months I have dove deep into my work and other activities. I have made sure to keep myself busy, overworked, and unaware of how I actually was feeling. I wouldn't allow myself to relax or slow down because that just meant I would experience emotions and heartache that I was not yet willing to face. That meant I would have to acknowledge that what all happened in January was real. I would have to accept that I no longer had my two wonderful grandfathers and that a piece of me went with them.       This last week however school ended, leaving me with time and a much less stressful environment. The moment I left ...

           Sometimes you just need a change in pace to keep yourself going. For me that change of pace came over my spring break. Now I can imagine you are thinking of a sunny beach with warm temperatures and beautiful water, sand and palm trees. My spring break was spent with beautiful water and sand but it was not the warm sunny beach you imagine.             I decided about 6 weeks ago that I was going to go visit my best friend and college roommate. I had been (and still am) missing her dearly and felt that both of us could use some quality best friend time to slow our pace in both of our crazy busy lives. The catch to all of this was that I decided to surprise my friend, she had no idea I was coming. I knew it would take her off guard and she isn’t always the easiest person to surprise (partly because I struggle to keep any secrets from her). I contacted one of her friends on the island she liv...

On Pop-Pop's 80th birthday we all wrote letters of our memories with him after he had faced a rough year of health concerns. I decided for my letter I could not decide on just one memory to share with him so instead I came up with 80 reasons I loved him. 80 memories of our at the time 20 years together. Each year since I have added another reason to the list. Tomorrow would have been Pop-Pop's 83rd birthday and even though he is not here to celebrate with me or share the 83rd reason with I am going to write my 83rd reason and share it with all of you. I am beyond blessed to have 83 reasons, 83 memories, and 23 plus amazing years with my grandfather. Happy Birthday Pop-Pop, here is the 83rd reason! I miss you more than I can express.  83 Reasons I love Pop…. 1.      For saying “We don’t want any.” Every time I walk through the front door. 2.      For teaching me how to hunt for Easter Eggs 3.      For folding my...