Reflecting, Debriefing, and Growing

          2017 has been a year of many ups, downs, and many in between. With the way my 2016 ended and my 2017 started I felt as though there would be no good in the year ahead. All I could see and feel is darkness and lose, but that is not how my year truly was. As I sit and reflect as I do at this time each year I realize what could have been a very dark and painful year had some beautiful pieces to it. I choose to shine lights on those shiny moments of the year. 

         Last night I began the process of truly looking within the depths of my soul about this year and one of the ways I always find myself reflecting, debriefing, and growing is by looking at quotes, sayings, and places where I have found support through my journey with anxiety and depression. As I was looking through last night I found this: 

           Over the year I have found myself broken many times as we all have for one reason or another. Being broken to some degree is part of life but I often find how people handle the 'broken' parts of life is far more telling. For so long I focused on the negative of my brokenness. I let the situations and circumstances which had broken me definitely me. Now I let the broken pieces come together to create a more wonderful picture of me. A picture that will never deny that I have been broken but a picture that will show I am more loving, compassionate, and authentically me than ever before.

          This year has been full of growth for me, as I hope ever year is but in a way that has allowed me to open my eyes and see within myself. Growth that has allowed me to shine even when I feel less shiny than usual. I have learned to keep going even when it seems impossible. I have learned that yes there will always be a hole in my heart for people I have lost but that hole is there because for the time I did have them, they were such a big and amazing part of my world. I have been blessed to be surrounded with so many people who support me and mean so incredibly much to me. As I sit here in the living room of one of my 'highs' of this past year (my first home) I look at pictures of the two men that have deeply defined me over the years and for whom will always be part of that aching hole in my heart. I long for their laughter, advice, and presence in every moment of my day. Over the last year I often have reminded my self that their laughter, advice, and presence is with me in each moment of my day through my own laughter, thoughts, and presence. My many shiny moments throughout this year have been because I have realized I have two shinning people that have impacted me forever. While they physically are not here with me I know they see my every moment and are apart of my every breath. 

          I have found myself in a profession for which I am deeply passionate and helps me to learn each day. I am a better version of me because of the many students and co-workers I interact with on a daily basis. I have found myself in a new home which over the last 8 months I have started to make my own and blaze my way through yet another step into adulthood. I have found myself meeting new people who make a profound impact on the way I think, feel, and carry myself. I have found myself beginning to trust again even in the hard moments because of some of those people. I am slowly learning to allow myself to be loved and melt away the icy layers that have covered my warmth up for so long. I am evolving and growing into the person I have always known is under the hidden layers of coldness.

         For 2018 I find myself not setting large resolutions like in years past because lets be honest most often by January 31 they aren't a thing anymore but I do hope to continue to grow and evolve into the best version of myself I can be. I know it is a bit cliche but I feel as though for each person the growing and evolving is vastly different. I can only hope I continue to find new pieces of myself and allow myself to evolve into the most authentic me I can be. 

Happy New Year!

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