A Time of Reflection

I don’t know what sparked me to think of this today but for some reason my mind went straight to this blog and the fact that I haven’t been blogging at all. I started this blog way back in the beginning of my time in high school. For many years I used it as a coping mechanism to deal with the crazy changes that were occurring in my life at the time. It became a sanctuary and place for me to write about Alpha-1, the newness of it, the fears and the anxieties that come with the unknown. So today I reflected on why I haven’t been writing, what stopped me, and why hasn't it even crossed my mind to blog in months. Well here are some of the answers I came up with in my time of reflection.

            Why haven’t I written… well the simple answer would be I’m a college student and carry a crazy course load each semester but when I was honest with myself this was not the true reason of why I haven’t been writing, I easily could have fit this in each night before bed. So I thought further and the honest answer came to me although I didn't want to entertain the thought at first. I haven’t been writing because while at college it’s really easy to distance myself from the normal feelings and dealings that come with having a member of your family struggling with something like Alpha. After thinking for a few minutes about this and accepting the honest reason why I haven’t been writing I made a promise to myself. A promise to recognize the fear and anxiety, recognize that what is going on in my life at home is still going on while I am here at school even if I try my best to ignore it because let’s be honest, while I’m not consciously thinking about it each moment of my day I am definitely thinking about it subconsciously and making decisions daily that are impacted by all of the emotions and feelings that come along with this crazy life.  I’m sure each of us can connect with the fact that fears and anxieties of the unknown impact choices we make and how we work in our daily lives. I came to the conclusion I really am no different than anyone else in this case. We all do it, even if we don’t realize it.

            The next step in my process of reflection was why I stopped writing. Well once again a lot of it relates to things I have stated above. But once again I would be lying if I said those were the only reasons. Over the last year and a half I have been focusing on overcoming some of the hidden things in my life, things I didn't want to deal with or understand. I didn’t want to accept that these things were happening to me, in my head they only happened to people in books and movies but never would happen in my own life, but they did. So I have been focusing on finding my place in the world and how accepting all these things that I wanted to ignore into my world fit together. I have attended many counseling sessions, cried myself to sleep many nights, and fallen to at times really bad and unhealthy habits to cope with things I just didn’t want to deal with. I found it easier that way, until I got a taste of what it is like to accept some of those things into my life, to let go of the things that were eating me up inside and realize ‘hey this is your life, you better love it’. Until I could accept some of those things, get through the denial and anger of the situations and start to love myself I had to step away from writing. How could I inspire people and share openly when I wasn't being open with myself. So here I am 18 months later sharing of myself in a more open and honest way, ready to tackle blogging again. I can honestly say I am at one of the better points in my life since I experienced my first bout of depression and anxiety attacks but it has taken almost 4 years of work to get to a place where I can accept that fact that yes… I do have anxiety and depression but it will never define me for who I am it is just a small piece of the whole.

            So after my time of reflection and discernment I decided it was time to open up the blog and just take a look at it. Look and see what had been written and how long it had really been. I found some unexpected things. The fact that I haven’t written in 9 months, I thought it hadn't been that long but I guess it has been or the fact that even in my absence of writing people are still looking at the blog and taking in the things I previously wrote. This inspired me to write again to start sharing again and to take my blog as an opportunity to share and inform people of the rare disease my dad has, to share what it is like to have someone you love be sick and what has to happen to cope with the many challenges, and to inspire people to realize nothing defines you unless you choose to let it define you.

            For this afternoon I leave you with that. I hope to write again soon and I hope that this is the beginning of many posts to come. Always remember to love yourself for who you are and for the many blessings that you have in your life.