Recognize the Beauty

    

      We headed back to school on January 2nd and since then have only spent 5 whole days in school. Every other day we have either had a 2 hour delay, early dismissal, or no school at all. While at times the breaks can be refreshing and much needed I also find them to be challenging after awhile. Outside of the realm of educational challenges that come with this odd schedule and never ending changes, especially in a special education classroom, I also find over relaxing to be a problem too. For me these days in the beginning were great. I had a chance to catch up on school work I could bring home and work on. I could catch up on house work and projects that I have been saving for spring break or summer. But after awhile these breaks become anti-productive for me. I find myself falling into the trap of thinking 'oh tomorrow' and sleeping the day away on the couch or binge watching a new show on netflix. So this morning when the call came at 5:30 that we weren't having school today I decided to get up as though it was a usual day. I wanted to make today productive. 

    Being productive looks different for everyone and in all honesty looks different depending on the day. Some days my definition is to get up and physically get as much done as possible, other days its just to make it through the day in one piece. My definition of productive today is to spend time for myself doing what I need to do to feel calm, relaxed, and organized. I have been swamped with work recently and I easily fall into the trap of letting it take over my life and not taking the time I need to for myself. While over the last year and I half I have learned to set boundaries I still struggle at staying within those boundaries when the workload pours on. Instead today I'm not falling into the trap. I am taking care of myself  and setting/sticking to the boundaries so that I can be the best person and teacher I can be. I started my morning with stretching and some quiet meditation. It was beautiful watching the sun rise over the new fallen snow. And while the sun is not bright today and clouds cover, the light over the snow brings a sense of beauty even with the gray clouds. 

        I am often annoyed by snow. I mean seriously it causes all kinds of headaches and can be more of a pain than a beauty. I am sure many of you can relate to me on this one. Shoveling, cleaning off cars, traveling, all things that become more difficult for us to succeed in and take time away from what we deem to be more important. But in my moments of quiet this morning I had a thought (dangerous I know) perhaps snow is sent to slow us down. Perhaps snow is a chance for us to be present. To take a moment to notice the world around us. I know for me each morning as I get into my car for work I am rushing out to the car and down my driveway, normally running a couple minutes later then I want to be. I often am annoyed by at least one driver who is either going slower then I think they should be or who does something I feel is 'stupid' and slowing me down in pursuit to get to work. Perhaps snow is the chance to let those things go. To notice the beauty of the white blanket across the landscape. To show kindness and respect to the people around you who also are being 'troubled' by the weather. I know this is easier said then done but view it as a sign its time to notice what surrounds you. If you take the moment to look, you'll realize how beautiful so much of what surrounds us can be. All it takes is an extra moment. 

      Over the last few weeks I have found myself going in and out of depressions. Some days I feel great and I'm ready to take on the day by storm. Other days I am just lucky I got out of bed and made it into work. Depression works in that way, sometime being a sniper. It strikes when least expected and eases up without warning. I have always struggled more in the winter, having been told for many years now that I fall within the realm of having seasonal affective disorder. I crave sunshine and brightness in my life. I need warmth and light. As I have fallen in and out of my moments of depression and back to an equilibrium I have found that I handle the moments of depression differently than before. I handle the days that challenge me to get up and look in the mirror by reminding myself sunshine is coming and I am beautiful even in my brokenness. That I will endure as I have hundreds of other days over the year. I resort to my self care strategies without being reminded multiple times by my support system. I am learning how to resort to these strategies on my own. By no means does that mean I don't need my amazing circle of support that I have had for so many years, but that means that I now have that circle of support in a new light. I can spend time with them differently and enjoy their gifts of love and support in different ways. It is all about presence. Just like being in the presence of the snow and realizing its beauty I have been able to be present with myself and see the beauty of my support system in a new light. 

     Today, look at the snow. Take a moment. Be present with yourself. Recognize the beauty in the people and places around you. 

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