Live a Little
I have always been somewhat cautious in the way I live. Taking the safe route, planning, re-planning, and researching before making any decisions or life choices. Especially after my 'enlightenment' 5 years ago I have planned and prepared for everything, partly due to the fear of public anxiety attacks or panic and the struggle I have trusting myself and those around me. I always had to have a planned exit and routine so when things became overwhelming and difficult for me I could leave the situation or deal with it in the most private way possible. I am a planner, always have been, it just has become increasingly debilitating to my ability to live a little and be spontaneous. If it wasn't part of the plan or expectations I had, no way was I going to deviate from what was planned or expected.
So you might be trying to figure out how Valley Fest and my crazy need to plan go together. Well this year they went together like PB&J. I have for the last few months been sharing with my close friends that I want to learn to live a little, to be spontaneous, and actually enjoy being spontaneous rather than going into debilitating panic because it 'didn't go as planned'. So this weekend my best friend looks at me as we are getting ready to head out to Valley Fest and says ' Today you are going to live a little', we are just going to go with the flow, decide what we want to do, eat, and experience on a whim and that we did. It was great. I truly enjoyed every moment of it. I enjoyed spending time with her in a more relaxed way than I have been willing to in months. I enjoyed the fact that we just did as we pleased, if something looked interesting we tried it, if we wanted to sit in the grass and eat pizza we did, if we wanted to listen to certain bands play and not others we did. I allowed myself to be fully honest in my thoughts, actions, and emotions and had no fear of expressing them to her and others around us. For 12 hours of my life I felt like nothing was holding me down and there were no cares in my world. All of the things I am working through vanished, my difficulty trusting people became far less, and I opened up in a way I haven't to 'outside' people in a long time, correction more than ever. Something I have not felt in at least 5 years, at least not to this extent. I could truly be myself and let go of my cautious and hesitant side.
My best friend once again as she has for the entirety of our college experience pushed me out of my comfort zone. She pushed me to trust myself and others which is one of my biggest struggles currently as I work through past experiences and events in my life. Trust has caused a great deal of anxiety and to be able to trust even for just a few moments was a big step for me. She helped me to love the simple things in life like sitting in the grass with sun shinning on your face surrounded by friends who over the last 4 years have become family. She challenged me to put my expectations aside and erase the picture in my head of how things needed to be. When I experienced anxiety of any kind she would gently remind me everything was going to be just fine and to just breathe. I have under 3 weeks to continue living a little with the people I love here at LVC and I couldn't be more excited to see what those coming days look like. I know they will be filled with joy, excitement, sadness, memories, new adventures, and a whole lot of love. If I'm going to live out these last 3 weeks 'right' it is going to be living them with no expectation of what should be, an openness to spontaneous moments, and an excitement about the unplanned.
So you might be trying to figure out how Valley Fest and my crazy need to plan go together. Well this year they went together like PB&J. I have for the last few months been sharing with my close friends that I want to learn to live a little, to be spontaneous, and actually enjoy being spontaneous rather than going into debilitating panic because it 'didn't go as planned'. So this weekend my best friend looks at me as we are getting ready to head out to Valley Fest and says ' Today you are going to live a little', we are just going to go with the flow, decide what we want to do, eat, and experience on a whim and that we did. It was great. I truly enjoyed every moment of it. I enjoyed spending time with her in a more relaxed way than I have been willing to in months. I enjoyed the fact that we just did as we pleased, if something looked interesting we tried it, if we wanted to sit in the grass and eat pizza we did, if we wanted to listen to certain bands play and not others we did. I allowed myself to be fully honest in my thoughts, actions, and emotions and had no fear of expressing them to her and others around us. For 12 hours of my life I felt like nothing was holding me down and there were no cares in my world. All of the things I am working through vanished, my difficulty trusting people became far less, and I opened up in a way I haven't to 'outside' people in a long time, correction more than ever. Something I have not felt in at least 5 years, at least not to this extent. I could truly be myself and let go of my cautious and hesitant side.
My best friend once again as she has for the entirety of our college experience pushed me out of my comfort zone. She pushed me to trust myself and others which is one of my biggest struggles currently as I work through past experiences and events in my life. Trust has caused a great deal of anxiety and to be able to trust even for just a few moments was a big step for me. She helped me to love the simple things in life like sitting in the grass with sun shinning on your face surrounded by friends who over the last 4 years have become family. She challenged me to put my expectations aside and erase the picture in my head of how things needed to be. When I experienced anxiety of any kind she would gently remind me everything was going to be just fine and to just breathe. I have under 3 weeks to continue living a little with the people I love here at LVC and I couldn't be more excited to see what those coming days look like. I know they will be filled with joy, excitement, sadness, memories, new adventures, and a whole lot of love. If I'm going to live out these last 3 weeks 'right' it is going to be living them with no expectation of what should be, an openness to spontaneous moments, and an excitement about the unplanned.
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