A Moment for Me

    These past few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. I have been in one of those ruts again. One of those ruts filled will anxiety attacks, panic stricken dreams, and depression creeping into everything I did. I returned to school two weeks ago this past Sunday and for me those first two weeks were difficult partly because of the change in routine, all of the things swirling in my head in my personal life, and adjusting to being a student in a college classroom again after spending last semester student teaching every day. Along with those struggles came the realization that in 4 short months I will graduate leaving this place that for me has come with so many positive changes. In my four years here at LVC I have found myself and learned that I could stand on my own two feet which I often have questioned and some days still do. 

   With all of this change, realizations, and thoughts going through my head it has been very hard to keep myself positive and upbeat. I on many days over the last few weeks have felt like I am barely keeping my head above water. As I have worked through all the strategies I have been taught over the years to try and tame the anxiety and depression I just wasn't feeling it, nothing seemed to be helping and I was at a lose of what to do and how to handle it until Sunday night when I finally exploded. I always hate when these explosions occur because normally I explode towards the people I love and care about the most, and once again that was the case which then sends me into an even further pit of guilt, sadness, and anxiety. In the wee hours of Sunday morning I emailed my therapist with all the details I could mustard up out of my cold emotions. After I emailed her I cried for a while just realizing all of the tension and loss at what to do. I for a long while haven't been at a loss on what to do when these moments occur. I have been able to use strategies to get myself moving again so this was a first in a long while which only frustrated me further. Each movement in my day felt as though I had to prompt every movement to myself. I even remember on Monday morning laying in bed saying aloud to myself "okay, now you are going to get up and pick clothes." It was a trying and difficult process. When my therapist emailed me back on Monday she reminded me of many things to keep in mind while experiencing these awful emotions. One thing that really stuck with me was to remember that I am not experiencing the intense anxiety every moment of every day, rather it comes in bursts of intensity and then backs off. This reminder helped me to recognize those moments that were less intense and enjoy them rather then to focus on the intense, painful moments of anxiety. That simple reminder seemed to open up a whole new view on how I was going to deal with things. 

    Yesterday I started to feel somewhat of myself again, sitting down writing goals for myself this week to focus on keeping myself healthy, catching up on work that I had fallen somewhat behind on, and giving myself time and space to deal with my emotions around people and on my own. One of the strategies that I had started using this weekend was to do something for myself that will bring happiness, I love flowers so I went to the store and bought flowers to allow some spring into my room. Yesterday I took a chance to really appreciate the flowers and took a picture (which you can see above). I love flowers and the simple reminder that God has blessed us with a naturally beautiful world. I need to stop, take a moment, and smell the roses. I was so caught up in the craziness of returning to school and of what is to come that I felt alone, scared, and overwhelmed. Giving myself time to process and take each day at a time is helping me to slowly pull myself back out of the pit I was in. I am still having my moments and need to take extra time to care of myself in these days ahead but nothing can stop me, and nothing will.